longest line...

i just got home from one of the longest days of my life...

last night, i was supposed to ride with mic to meet up with the rest of the gang at mike's house. when that didnt fall through as planned, i relieved myself of the inis by being thankful i get to sleep... especially since i was set to leave at 7am for comelec... to FINALLY register myself as a voter. (i had no idea its been 7 years since i turned 18.. hahaha. im a bad citizen... although i do pay my taxes. :p)

so i slept around midnight, only to wake up at around 430am... i was hungry... MAJOR hunger... if it was enough to wake me up, then that should be major hunger. long story short, good thing a friend was super nice enough to bring me food... so i ended up not sleeping na lang kasi i finished eating/chit chatting at 6am.

i got to comelec at around 730am... and to cut to the chase, i finished at 330pm... most of my time was spent standing in line seething with anger at the giddy students in front of me na pinasingit na ata half of their class (inaway ko rin sa inis eventually... that shut them up... hahaha.)

at least im done... ill never have to do that ever again.

in fairness, yung mga singit naman talaga ang may kasalanan ng delay... but the comelec people were all nice.. a little bit lacking in organization sa labas, but they were all really nice. patient pa. i kinda felt bad for thinking they were your typical na slow-working government workers... snaps to you guys!

tonight, i tend to my aching knees.. from all the standing today... again, thanks to a friend for the free consult! :p

there's a hole in the bucket

none of my plans fell through today...

1. was going to finally register... mahaba pila sa comelec
2. was going to have my teeth cleaned... no dentist
3. haircut before the new year... moved to some other day kasi sasabay na alng ako kay mic to get to mike's
4. go see mike after haircut... stayed home instead because mic got stuck somewhere
5. be firm today... ended up a texting fool

oh well, i have tomorrow to look forward to.

hopefully things will go as planned.

i drive myself crazy

its been "quiet" without mel.. i realize how much of my thoughts id habitually throw at her.. now that she's not as easy to reach, its obvious i really need a second brain to be able to sort through some of the things that bounce around in my head. of course blogging helps, but there are some things you cant just post online... and it gets tiring to be so vague all the time.

so here's a healthy helping of pseudo vague-ness...

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ive known you barely a week now... but i hope im getting the right vibe... its been surprising, a bit confusing and unfamiliar, but at the same time comfortable and easy. in any case, i can wait to see how this turns out. no typo there.. i said i CAN. :) and i think i will.

i guess im just amazed at how these past few days unfolded. hay. i dont want to jinx anything. i just need to unload some thoughts... express some things.

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it was nice bumping into you yesterday... haha. i cant believe i had a crush on you since highschool! and im surprised 7 years lang pala age gap natin. you seemed like such an adult back then. so talking to you last night surprisingly felt like i was talking to someone my age. and its funny you admitted you didnt know how to talk to me kasi i "grew up" so much since we last saw each other (duh, that was just last year!)... have i aged THAT much? come to think of it, the past 2 years HAVE been life changing for me.. so maybe i do have a different aura these days. haha. to think ive only been 25 for just 2 weeks!

as i was saying, it was great bumping into you... great to see you a bit flustered and confused. i never thought id have that effect on you in my entire life. hahaha. i rock! heehee... kaloka.

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YOU! you who manage to turn my world upside down with the most mundane things!!! i am almost forever in a state of confusion when it comes to you.... and thats all im going to say for now. what am i going to do about you??!?!?!?!?!

mel daldal's wedding

i got a surprising invitation from mel laurel months ago to go to her wedding... so last thursday we headed to tagaytay. i was with caroline, fewng, kris, jason and kenya.

the trip up was fairly normal... nagkakahiyaan pa yung dalawang bata... but as soon as we got to the chapel on the hill, things just got better.

it was a small gathering... i loved the intimacy of the chapel.. i dont think you can fit more than 60 people there. and the view was just amazing. makes me seriously reconsider my big wedding dream. haha.

most of my photos were either of mel and nino (their backs mostly during the ceremony... haha.) OR the famous kenya-jason loveteam. so here are some photos...

the drive back was off the scales! jason and kenya were hilarious. its true.. kids DO say the darnest things...

more photos on my multiply!!! :p

close to you

When you get used to pretending, it becomes second nature to you. You dont even have to think about it --- like breathing, or digesting your food. It's like the mechanism gets wound up and you just keep getting good at it.

Remind me again, why dont you, please?

tease me...

just some photos from the christmas party last friday... had fun... responsible fun. hahaha. i think i really made sure id evade any incident that would be anywhere near my episode in last year's party... thankfully no one seemed to remember. hahaha.

im not ashamed to share photos this year... because i SWORE that id be pretty this year.. to offset last year's scam. hahaha.

i came as a vargas girl... inspired by the photos shoot in ANTM season 5... came out pretty well, i must say... my pornstar name: evita paru-paru. hehe.

all the pimps and ho's in the house!!!

ill post the full deck of photos on my multiply when everyone's uploaded their photos.

asian food trip

ive been constantly craving for asian food the past two weeks... vietnamese and thai to be specific. from dusit thani, to pho bac, to soms, then to nam an... yum, yum, yum!!!

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christmas party photos to follow. :p

lets put this to the test... tomorrow... harharhar!

the big 2-5! (part2)

i had a great birthday yesterday. simple, but great.

- mom gave me wishlets. its three strings na may maliit na pendant na sun, moon at star.. the idea is i have someone tie it around my wrist and make 3 knots.. then i make a wish for that person and myself.. im not supposed to take it out... ever. i have to wait for it to fall off... so, i had mom tie the star, pau tied the moon, and mel the sun...

- got a total of 4 overseas calls... april from USA, acky from Hong Kong, anton from Singapore and my best friend pearl from Denmark. Thanks so much for calling to greet me... :)

- the rest of the afternoon was very normal for me. minus some baggage (which felt great!)

- for dinner, we headed to soms... pau gave me a shirt, mel got me make-up, and we ate the cake that julia and julette gave me. we made fun of the show that was on... may mamang nagwawalis to set a record pero wala namang winawalis... may humping bench press... at iba pa.

- PHOTOS!!!

the big 2-5! (part1)

i dont want to forget anyone or anything. so just a rundown of things as they happen:

- woke up to my ringing phone... an unexpected phone call. :) thanks for calling me. it was great to hear from you and im glad we're okay.
- messages from mel, maykhel and boo. hugs hugs hugs to you three!
- surprised my mom stayed awake to greet me.. hugs mom. thanks for being so great.
- fell asleep between sending replies to mike... (Aha! Nagkaka-bukingan na ah... :p)
- upset tummy woke me up / kept me up
- took my glorious time taking a bath and fixing up for work... ive been secretly enjoying my alone time in the bathroom... its a place i can think and not be too distracted.
- almost got into a car accident twice on my way to work... tsk, tsk to the shuttle driver.
- sneak peek at some gifts... that are on their way :p



the search for my long lost love is finally over... thank you for the miracle.

i cant wait to get home and see you waiting for me!!!

- more messages coming thru my phone... im surprised some people remember its my day... some greetings are totally unxpected. warm fuzzy feeling to know people remember you. (mental note: write down everyone's bdays... everyone deserves to be remembered on their birthday.)
- today is far from over... i hope it stays MY day... let me rest from my unnecessary worries.

gargantuan appetite: Som's and home-cooked lunch

basta pasko ang sarap talaga kumain!

after shopping my legs to death (which i enjoyed immensely), a big meal should soon follow.

saturday supper at soms
mel has been raving about this thai resto near the office... cheap pero super yummy daw na authentic thai. so to reward ourselves for a very fruitful sopping session for our christmas party costumes (i had very few small items i needed after shopping with lily friday night), we headed to soms.

very cozy place.. mel said it used to be a karinderya... and i guess business has been so good, they got to expand. aircon naman... malinis.. medjo confused ang decor (the table tiles were more morrocan than thai).. but in general, okay yung place. it wouldnt be a bad place to rent for a party.. may sound system and all... parking will be a slight concern though.

i let mel order: bagoong rice, catfish salad, chicken curry (yellow), tom yum gai, and plain rice (na-sales talk kami nung waitress. bagay daw sa curry)...

gosh.. mel wasnt kidding when she said food was good there. she barely ate anything so i practically ate everything... hahaha. well, she ate 90% of the sticky rice and mango dessert.. but that was because i was too stuffed to move.

you know how sometimes may mga lamok na sobrang dami nang blood na nakain di na maka-lipad? i think i know how that feels. hahaha.

super sunday lunch
you'd think id have enough food in me to last me weeks... but no. mom had to cook great sunday lunch. oh boy.

anyway, heres my plate:

all-time mommy food favorites!
1. inihaw na tilapia.. this one was super fresh and super malaman.
2. green mango salad.. everytime may reunion sa side ni papa, may HUGE bowls of green mango salad. mawala na kanin, wag lang yung mango salad.
3. sinigang.. and mom made it maasim just the way i love it.

di naman marami kinain ko no? di bale, all the shopping i did after lunch was enough to burn allt he food. plus no more second serving.. yan na yun.

ruffles, lay's and c2

i found comfort in my snacks today: Lay's Salt & Vinegar, Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream, and Lemon C2.

something about munching on these junkies make me smile. i think its the msg & sugar combo high.

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going shopping with lily tonight. :) hope i find what ive been looking for. PLEASE!

college day

i went to ateneo today.. just to get some things out of the way. and i was surprised that it still feels the same to be there. almost like time stopped when i left and now that im back, its going again. haha. i was half expecting to see familiar faces cross the street, or parking their cars, or hanging out in all the designated tambayans.

makes me remember how much i love my school. i love being there. great times of my life.

i wanted to stay a while and just walk around... take some photos... reminisce a bit (just a bit). but i think ill save that for another time... :)

it just felt great to be around the trees again... glad they didnt suffer too much with milenyo... glad that i can always come back and recharge.

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tonight im meeting up with my college girlfriends... minus jill (and cha if she wont make it).

so today is going to be a COLLEGE DAY!!!

desPEDIda

pedi is off to milan... so proud of him. im not surprised i have mixed emotions about all this movement around me. but generally im happy for all of you.

i had 3 despedidas for pedi... i meant i went to 3... here are photos for the GASSO one at 121...

as always, this is the censored version... :p camwhores of the world, unite!

addio, buona fortuna, con amore, pedi!

its a race

with the things going on around me, ill need all the strength i can get --- physically and emotionally.

but the race is definitely on.

i wonder who's going to win?

shopping holiday and other tidbits

i wanted to take advantage of the long weekend to start/finish my christmas shopping... and it did! well, im 90% done. i just need to head to national bookstore to get gifts for all the kids in the family... laking national points, here i come! hahaha!

major bonding time with mom and miah... shopping is such a spiritual thing. and im more than happy with each thing that i bought. next in line: wrapping.

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lola toyang was laid to rest yesterday... she was 101. ive never been close to that side of the extended family, but i couldnt help tearing up. something about the intense spirituality of the family struck a chord... i wasnt turned off by any of the professions of faith.. on the other hand, it kinda felt warm, and familiar.

got acquainted with the longest line of second cousins and uncles and all... haha. ill try to remember where everyone fits in the family tree, but its a big family after all... and everyone looks alike! (side hirit: bakit ba mas malakas ang lahi ng tanchoco sa sison! hay)

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i have officially given up on doing anything "karir" for the christmas party. started thinking for options early, but those didnt work out. and as i found out this weekend, my back-up plans aren't that reliable too... in fact, wala nang naiwan.

so with over 2 weeks left, parang ayaw ko na isipin. ill just grab things from my closet... tas yun na yun. haha!

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i have also given up thinking of how to celebrate my birthday. i was hoping to make turning 25 special.. but ive run out of excitement to plan anything. i DID buy 2 buckets of freezers at the bazaar yesterday (straw-raspberry margarita and cosmopolitan)... just i case i want to get drunk. haha.

i quote myself

reading back... id like to quote myself...

my first post ever:

let the madness begin

im unpredictable.

people around me will probably agree im a crazy girl. im moody and emotional with a flair for the melodramatic. sometimes i think ive pictured my life to be a book... a cheesy teenage romance novel book. so what? im a girl... and all girls are entitled to their own fairytales.

so here it is. my attempt to define myself... PA-PROFOUND ha...but that's who i am. to say im the complete and total opposite of myself will be the closest thing to the truth.

im a sweet bitch.
im aloof, apathetic and overly concerned.
im lazy, guttonous, and health conscious.
im a sort-of-almost-mature kid.im nightmare anyone can dream of.
im conservative and profane.im big and small (depends what bodpart you're looking at, really).
who give's a shit how may times i contradict myself... I'M F****** ME--- deal with it buster.

tough luck... tough love

i still have time to make a new wish...

my birthday wish

i know na what i want for my birthday.

i was supposed to do something that ive always wanted to do but never had the chance to yet. i have some great ideas, but there are things that have developed that make me change my mind. i have the rest of my life to work on that list. there are more important things to take advantage of at the moment.

there is nothing i would want more than to be able to spend my entire birthday with you guys. alam nyo na kung sino kayo. i dont care what we do, or where we go. i just want to be around you guys. hang out, have fun, watch the sun rise the next day, whatever! i dont really care. i just want at least 24 full hours.

that would make my 25th the memorable 25th that i wanted.

ayoko malungkot. BAWAL.

boom!

suddenly im over my head with work. bakit biglang ang dami?!

i guess im off the happy train ive been on for a while now. feeling shitty right now.

well at least i had really great lunch... that should lift my spirits.

burp-ee

i had the best lunch in a long time... lunch with mel, pau and pedi at circles. wow. when pedi told us the buffet was to die for, i what greeted me was like a glutton's heaven... wasnt able to take photos of my food so ill just borrow pau's..

to celebrate a list of ocassions yet to come, we literally ate to our heart's content.

Thanks to Tat for the GCs... and to the rest of my family for letting me use them as i wish. hahaha.

get me out

to day i have this boiling urge inside to just get away... to get out... to break free.. to just be away from all the heavy things weighing me down. if i could, id want to just get in a car and go... go wherever... to the sand dunes, to bolinao, to tagaytay, to baguio, to sagada, to boracay... anywhere. just not here.

im hoping this is just hormones. id love to wake up happy again tomorrow.
or maybe this is stress. stress over what? maybe its amplified stress because ive been feeling tired plus work just keeps coming.... i shouldnt complain... after all, more work should mean more money, right? yeah, right.

so today is another career day... whether i like it or not.

whirlwind week

i predict this week will be much much faster than last week. for one, last week was a drag... s-l-o-w mehn. secondly, today, tomorrow and thursday is practically booked. i kinda like it actually. this is a good time for me to be booked because ive been feeling lazy the past days... so knowing ill be in meetings helps me work faster and just get things done. haha.

so im looking forward to my weekend already. :)

kikay.exchange.ph

discovered kikay.exchange yesterday... from the schu website. and i must say, it was a fortunate thing that i did!

some things i took note of as i read through:

1. Avon Heated Eyelash Curler.

ive always been a kikay girl..., started plucking my eyebrows before any of my friends did. (hmmm... maybe we're all late bloomers?) and an eyelash curler is one of the things i NEVER leave home without. and i hate it when i leave my curler under the hairdryer too long... so this is a dream come true... if it does wonders the way i read it supposedly does, then next to my Shu curler from Mel, this should be my favorite thing.

2. Crest White Strips


Ive only seen this on Queer Eye but i never really thought to give it a try.

3. Ben, the hair-straightening guy and benders for DIY curls.
For someone who doesnt have super straight hair nor has curly hair, ive always been seesaw-ing from getting curls or having my hair straightened. at leant now i have cheaper options to help me decide. :p

thanks kikay-exchange!!!

A - list

i realized while i was briefly chatting with kaye a few minutes ago, that ive always "planned" my birthday in a way that my friends would enjoy... i seemed to have been keeping in mind if they would like the things i planned or not... but that was beacuse i wanted to make sure they were there! because i wanted to make sure my friends would be around on my birthday!

but this year... being my 25th... ive been feeling pressure (self imposed i confess) of doing something memorable. after all, you only turn 25 once in your life. some people couldnt get why i had to start thinking as early as october... but i didnt decide to think that early, it just started popping in my head that early.

so far,i have a very very short list of things that i think i can do... but none that really excites me. so going back to my realization while chatting with kaye, this year, i think things should be much different. it should be all about ME.

so now im revisiting the list of things that id like to be able to do at least once in my life... and maybe from there i can get a fab idea to celebrate a memorable 25th. and it shouldnt really matter if id end up having people join me, or if its something ill be enjoying alone.

time to work on my list! :D

angry

i dont want to be angry.. but i think i have to be honest to myself and admit that even in a very very small way, i am.

i havent felt this way since i graduated highschool. and i would have wanted never to feel it again. its funny in a way that i get to experience this again now that im much older.

i will never understand why its in anyone's nature to be that way.

i have what i need.

what goes on in the dark

we were at church and the lights went out. normally id feel a bit nervous being in the dark (i blame it on my hyperactive imagination as a child), but somehow i felt relaxed. the wind was cool, the trees (recuperating from Milenyo) had friendly silhouettes, it was fairly quiet (the choir had to sing acapella), and everything just made me want to stare and just take in the warm feeling inside. i almost didnt want the lights to come back on! (but then i realized i havent charged my phone... haha!

anyway, the short amount of time i spent in the dark, all i got to think about was how ive been so blessed with the things that have been happening to me these days --- big and small, good and bad. and ive surprised myself with how i handled / reacted to some things. goes to show how wisdom does come with experience. good thing is that ive gotten so much from everything. new found confidence, a more positive outlook, secure relationships, etc. ive been blessed so much.

thanksgiving is coming up... we may not celebrate that here sa pinas, but i have quite a list of things and a short list of people to thank and be thankful for.

its been a year already?

this time last year...
... just got back from a north luzon road trip with ainee and pedi. no trips planned yet, but im sure one will come around eventually.
... been less productive than ideal and always antsy to get out of the office. ive been happily productive but the past days, i HAVE been wanting to spend more time out of the office. i think its the season... no?
... wrote about how the next year has started for me. what do you know! i just wrote about 2007 a few days ago!
... harry potter and my first zara shirt. looking forward to watching happy feet!

looking forward to the last month of the year and find out what's in store. :p

could not ask for more

i got what i wanted... and more.

things just keep getting better... oh, joy!

caffeine high

had breakfast with mel this morning... i dont even know what time i woke up! basta i know we were in makati by around 630am. so we had breakfast and i was at the office by 8am... i was so groggy i HAD to take a nap. but even after that nap i was still lethargic. so... i got myself coffee... i ended up getting my toffee nut latte AND passion iced tea. simply because i couldnt decide which one to get.

so now im hyper. hyper ng O. but not naman neurotic hyper.

anyway, time to divert my energies to productive work.

2007 has begun

i remember around this time in 2005, ive mentioned about 2006 starting early for me... well, its happened again! haha. this time i have things lined up already all the way to june.

i hope its going to be a good year. and these first projects have been exciting for me. im kinda in the dark with the category, but the learning experiences have been good so far... lets keep it that way, please.

so while some others are waiting for Christmas to come, im already planning my life for Q3 '07! weeeeeeeeee!

the question is.... where will i be by Q3 '07? hehehe.

the hardworking sloth

i LITRALLY spent my weekend in bed... i hardly left my room. but i didnt lounge around... oh no, on the contrary... i was doing hard labor. haha. ive never been in that kind of concentration-ear-mind-hand coordinated in my entire life.

im glad its over. im glad i was able to go through it. it tested my patience... and a bit of my sanity. haha.

on a lighter note, i think ill take a rest from that for a while before doing anything like that again.. IF they still want my help. hahahaha!

so i guess i didnt have a weekend... i had a slightly unpleasant friday night.. but that went fairly well (all things considered)... and an even more physically tiring saturday and sunday. monday tomorrow!

i can wait for friday to come.

acky, mister chinese man

acky took GREEEEAAAT photos at Hainan, China.

some of my more favorite ones:

im having problems downloading the others that i especially like (the bridge, the kids, the hotel photos, tha country side) .. but more photos here!

look! LOOOOOK! acky's hainan, china photos

sabi ko nga sa kanya.. numanational geographic ang pictures... ganda.

illusion

trust is something that should not be given out too freely. today, i feel like i will be a bit more skeptical of people and things. it hurts to know. but i would rather know, still.

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things arent always what they seem. so true. so so so true.

people will think whatever they would want to think... see things they want to see... believe what they think is real.

but on the other side of things, there are things that are exactly the was they are. there is such a thing as gut feel.. and sometimes you're gut is so on the money its freaky.

everyone is blessed to have certain people who put you back into place... right on track... to say the exact things you need to hear... i feel better now.

got this off april's blog

NOTE: got this long ago, i guess i just wasnt able to publish it. :p things that got me thinking in italics)

Angel, you're single because you don't want to slow down

Whether you're working all hours, busy with school, or planning a cross-country move, it sounds like you just don't have time for anyone else in your life...right now, that is. Your timing may be off in other aspects, too. Chances are, you've met that perfect person who just so happens to be married or planning their own cross-country move. So take a step back for a moment. Is there something underlying this? Could it be you're afraid to get involved for some reason or another, and are therefore attracted to people who are simply unavailable? Whether you're secretly sabotaging yourself or not, try a little exercise. Open your mind to those who are around you (and available!) right now. Then let up on your schedule to let that someone in. That is, unless you want to get married to your goals, and not Mr. or Mrs. Right.

early Christmas fever

ive been shopping. and im happy with what ive bought. im still in control though... i can still keep my impulses in check.

weeeeeeeee!!!

wick queek

i dont know where the week went... but im still glad its friday!!!

had our annual halloween party here at the office. shoti and vins missed it though... unfortunately, shoti is in the hospital. dont know exactly why but he's there. poor boy.

i think novermber will be a fast month too... next thing ill know its new year na... o well, im still happy. haha!

sometimes, i just have to...

i cant help it!

legal dose of my happy pill

things have been good... almost great. and im loving it. love love LOVE it!

not just for me.. but for some of the people around me. okay, fine.. there are important people around me that arent having the best times of their lives, but its still generally good.

so anyway, i dont want to get too excited about it... im taking it one great day at a time. :p

as april would say... peachy. absolutely peachy.

malipayon kaayo gyud!

the coincidences these days are funny. just a few weeks back, i was thinking of some adjustments id like to make --- work on being more sociable and 'out there'. i have to admit, part of the reason im not addicted to going out is because its unfamiliar to me... and that makes me nervous. so the plan now is.. to trash my insecurity, go out, and just have some g'damn fun.

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cebu was fun. more fun than i expected. the work part was tiring as hell... but the two nights that we went out, it wasnt bad. i expect things will only keep getting interesting, challenging and exciting with this account --- great!
lets see where this takes me.

that social event wasnt so bad. met a lot of people... they were all pretty nice... one guy was an absolute cutie though! but overall, i survived well... took notes of how to be better the next time, but i think i did pretty great. venue was gorgeous, food was so-so, music was too baduy...lacked variety... only the oldies enjoyed. would have wanted to dance my ass off pa naman. ok na rin.. met a cute guy naman e. hope i run into him again! haha!

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the dive.
made a big adult decision today. decided on pushing through with an investment and i feel good about getting into this. looking forward to the next few years to see how this plays out. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

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so i guess its safe to say im pretty stoked with how things have been playing out for me the past month... i may have thought i wasnt doing a good job, but it turns out i was doing great. september was good, and october was a worthy follow-up.

BRING IT ON, NOVEMBER!

social studies

ive always thought i was a friendly person, i dont think id consider myself all that 'sociable'. although i think its perfectly normal, i still get antsy when i find myself in unfamiliar situations.

im about to go to a 'high society' event this weekend and its been strssing me out the past few days.

i keep thinking of what to wear... one, because i love every opportunity to dress up and be pretty and two, because events like those are unfamiliar to me --- makes it worse that ill be with a new Client that im still trying to get to know. anyway, ive decided to aim for dressing 'just right'.. it rather blend in (not look ravishingly good) than stand out because im over dressed or dressed wrongly.

im worried that i wont be able to be as conversational as i would want to be. hey, im a natural jolog... cant help it. ill have to muster up all the conyita in me.

ang insecure ko no? haha. but this is me being honest. i AM feeling insecure about this event. but like most of the unfamiliar things thrown my way these days, im hopeful that things will be a pleaseant surprise to me. if not, then i can always charge it to experience!

let this last...

ive been up up up there the past days. and i have no complaints about it!

PLEASE LET IT STAY THIS WAY.

i like me this way... heck, who wouldnt?

dreammoods.com

read kaye's blog and she had a link to a dream dictionary... so i checked why my last vivid dream might mean...

Death
To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation.

"i want" to-do list

1. shop... i look at my cabinet and im sad. im not excited to wear any of my clothes anymore
2. go out of town - not a "work" out of town , but a "fun-with-friends" out of town
3. bum around at home for 2 weeks
4. go scuba diving and surfing
5. learn how to figure skate
6. dance again... seriously train and improve and learn new skills
7. redecorate my room.. technically its not just mine alone, but id like to think it is. :p

i know i had a longer list when i thought of writing about this today, but the rest escape me. haha. maybe they're not THAT important to me. haha!

nothing to say

i havent been posting much lately... and its not as if there is nothing to write. i think for the longest time i was conscious of what to write because i was aware others would read it... duh-uh! isnt that the entire point of a blog?

so anyways, i wanted to write something new... just because i have a couple of minutes to spare tonight, but really dont have anyhting in mind.

ive been reading through friends' blogs (something i haven't been able to do much as well), and it got me thinking how much time and energy ive been 'spending working'... and the irony is that there are days when i feel im not working enough.. or at least not fast enough. hmm... something smells fishy here....

speaking of work, everyone seems to be busy these days... at least most advertising people i know... myself included. by busy, i mean the good kind... the kind that keeps you feeling smart and tickles your brain. hay.

now its time to dive back into my work... hope i can go out soon... i should actually...

thanks maykhel

i was feeling emotional over the weekend... and you sorted me out.
somehow, you always manage to say the right things.

thanks for saying: "whoever made you feel that way isn't worth it"
i didnt expect hearing that would calm my worries.. you made me cry, but at least i was calmer. so from now on, ill call you whenever i get anxious. hahahaha! kidding...

by the way, i DID dream of your bay window that night ha... except karlo and mic were there too... haha.

come visit me soon? i promise, mom will be okay if you guys sleep over.

september fly-by

ive been busy the past month... and september has been an exciting month for me!

1. Sept 1 bomb threat
2. 2 and a half weeks of no aircon
3. Won a new account - my first pitch... buena mano!
4. Pitched for yet another account
5. Milenyo - first time i experienced motion sickness dahil sa likot nung building... first time i had to climb down 26 floors worth of stairs, then look for a place to relocate and work

these on top of the regular workload of TVC and print shoots, meetings here and there, paperwork, and all the regular load we have.

several times have i found myself falling asleep wearing exactly what i wore to work (minus the shoes)... i havent been THAT tired in a LONG time... feels great! plus, i literally have no energy left to have 'unnecessary' worries.

its been a good september for me... and for the office (generally speaking)... and it seems that the workload will stay this way up until first week of december... time will literally fly this last quarter. great!

if today were my last

im taking time out from my insane schedule to write some thoughts.

i woke up at 3am this morning from a bad dream that i was going to die tomorrow (which is today, or something like that). i couldnt go back to sleep right after because i was so afraid it would come true. ive been constantly having deja vu's from snippets of dreams ive had long ago and this is one dream i would really rather not come true. thinking about it, im not too sure if its because im afraid to die or if its because its different if you know when you're going to die and its tomorrow!

on my way to work, i was thinking of what id do if i knew it was going to be my last. just thinking about it leaves this funny feeling in me. maybe that the feeling of uncertainty of not knowing for sure if ive been able to make people feel and know how i feel about them.

does my mom know im going to miss her the most if i die?
do my friends know exactly how much they mean to me? have i been able to give back to them all the immaterial things that they have given me?
will papa know in his heart that even if ive been irritable with him, im still his 'baby doll'?

this probably isnt the best time to be in this emotional state, with the heavy (understatement) workload and all, but i just wanted to get my thoughts down and maybe get back to them some other time.

9/11

first the old new and the bad news...

OLD NEWS
Sept 1... our bldg got a bomb threat which caused us to temporarily not have work for a few hours that day. well, those who didnt have lunch meetings didnt have work for a couple of hours... bede, marj and i had work. its weird though coz it seems we're the only floor who was asked to leave the building... or at least i havent heard of any other floor that evacuated as well... hmm... conspiracy?

BAD NEWS
Sept 11... our office aircon is officially dead. being on the 26th floor with no aircon is NO FUN. windows are all open, people are all in summer clothes, im forced to wear shades while working because im right beside the window and the glare is killing me, and the worst thing is... we might be this way the whole week.. or until they get a hold of the damn replacement part.

now the good/better news...

met up with some college friends last night (even if it was my sisters bday :p) and had a blast. of course it wouldnt be complete without mike's ultimate guilt trip, but the 200+ photos on our multiply sites shoulde attest to the mount of categorical fun we had. part two tonight... abangan...

low batt

its a half past 6.. and the office is empty. pretty unusual since by this time AEs would usually still be runnung around trying to get as much done. then again, today has been fairly unusual too... half empty office because everyone was out for meetings and stuff.

ive been low on work-energy the past few days.. im a tad bit more enthusiastic because of the 'new' account, but been low on physical energy. im alwalys sleepy and barely half awake once i get to the shuttle. and every morning, i feel like i havent had sleep even if i had over the 7-hour sleep i usually aim for.

got senti over the weekend. i havent felt that kind of senti in a while... yun lang.

rundown

ive been tamad to blog.. not because nothings been happening or i havent been thinking of anything, but there's just so much going on lately! so im left to reduce everything to a few lines...

INCOMMUNICADO
my phone got cut... forgot to pay for it.. so to those who texted me this last week and i 'ignored' them, i didnt.. i just couldnt reply. pero okay na. im back in circulation.

SOBRIETY
tuesday night was a blast!!! perfect timing to unwind and just release some unspent energy and frustration. haha! well... wholesome photos on my multiply site. :p

YOU ARE THE ONE
yes, i watched this toni-sam flick.. and it wasnt half as bad as i expected. of course hindi mawawala ang mga needlessly prolonged scenes.. but it was okay... as in better than some hollywood movies. plus may mga decent quotable quotes... hits the spot.

TUESDAY TEASE and FRIDAY FLIRT
the past weeks, fridays have been interesting for me. certain people seem to make their presence felt every friday... i find it funny. its a bit exciting i guess. in contrast to my otherwise 'quiet' life. thus the friday flirt was born.
tuesday tease... tuesday night was so much fun.. and well, fun... ill let the photos speak for itself. haha.

broad strokes

been quiet at work. i just sit at my desk and write.

back to attending to some important things that have been done LOOONG ago. hopefully things will start moving towards a good direction from here.

suddenly more aware of a lot of things in the office and the people here. one, things are not what they used to be. and two, they are definitely NOT what they seem on the outside.

hey pearl!

hey pearl!

i dont know if you got my sms on your birthday.. i wasnt sure which number was the landline and which one was for sms.. so i sent my greeting to both.

i hope you're doing well there.. i havent heard from you in a long time. :p i hope you get to read this.. that should tell me if you read my blog or not. haha.

ao anyway, hugs to vess and chris... hope to see you all soon... tell vess ill have the balut and the pastillas waiting for him. :p

talk to you soon!

reading and quitting

been reading again...starting with the 'tuesdays with morrie' books. am now on 'morrie in his own words'. read on my way to work so i dont end up feeling anxious in the morning. work has that effect on me these days. so to neutralize my mind, i read :) smart eh?

i wasnt able to include 'cold turkey (1 and 2)' to my list of TV shows in yesterday's post... ive been watching a lot of that too. and im trying to stay on the healthy route of stopping smoking. :p gosh... this will be a challenge..

better, best days

feeling much better now. caught a virus by surprise and most of last week was a struggle. but ive managed to 'bounce' back after staying in bed the whole weekend... :p which means i watched a lot of TV.

1. Dance Fever
I never thought Jamie King was attractive. But the more I watch the show, the more amazed I am with how much he knows about dance! I thought he was just this top hip hop choreographer, but he knows his stuff. Me and my waekness for guys who can dance... haha.

2. Queen Rania on Oprah
Caught this episode by chance and Im glad I did. Its nice to know women are continuing to make great marks in history. Her guesting was mostly to dispell misconceptions on Arabs and Royalty. Im probably part of the majority who have this mental image of Arabs and Muslims.. and mind you, she looks nothing like what I had in mind! Plus she is NOTHING like the Royalties of England. She kept saying that she realyl doesnt think of herself as a Queen... she's a woman, a mom, a wife... which is true! She monitors what her son watches on TV, she does homework with her kids, and all those normal people stuff. Except, as Oprah pointed out, she does all of this in a palace. Haha!

On a slightly more superficial note, i really loved her hair on the show... :p

3. Skating with the Stars
I find myself watching more and more reality tv shows --- ANTM, Project Runway, Dance Fever, and now Skating with the Stars. I dont know if my repressed frustrations to be a performance artist are creeping up on me or what, but these are my flavors of the month. :p

So Im glad Im on the road to getting better and better... on more levels than one. Of course I still have my anxieties, most of which are work-related. But im dealing with them well... actually kaya ko deadmahin.

sent by a friend

Touched by and Angel
by Maya Angelou

we, unaccustomed to courage exiles from delight,
live coiled in shells of lonliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight to liberate us into life

love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure ancient histories of pain
yet if we are bold, love strikes away chains of fear from our souls

we are weaned from our timidity
in the flush of love's light we dare to be brave
and suddenly we see that love costs all we are and will ever be
yet it is only love which sets us free

you are...

... my unicorn

come visit my shores again
whenever you want to be just you
i will welcome you
with tender waves and blue skies

find your way back to me
you will know which roads to take
i will send gentle winds to guide you

until your return
i will wait

the water may wash away our castle in the sand
i will never be the same again
even in your absence, you will always be here

'wag ka sana mag-sawa
baka bukas di ka na magtanong
'di naman sa itinataboy kita
'di lang talaga ako pwede sa oras na iyon
'wag kang mag-alala, kaibigan
kung ano man ang ikinakatakot mo
malamang ay kabaligtaran ng katotohanang
laman ng puso at isip ko
kaunti pa sanang pasensya
di kasi ako sanay magsalita
kaya siguro iba ako magpakita
ng unawa at pagpapahalaga

you may not know it...

but you make me feel so freaking stupid and incompetent.

growing up, growing old and other random stuff

my mom was confined overnight for check up last week. it was quite unexpected but she was feeling sluggish that morning and good she decided to go see her doctor. they decided to keep her for some tests to rule out 'silent heart attack'. anyway, my point is... it was a major reality check for me and my siblings on my mom's mortality. i think we all just figured she'd live a long life like lola. so last week's thing was a clear reminder.

its funny how in times of trouble, you really see the dynamics of our family.
1. tat, my eldest sister, has always been the calm-always-in-control sister. ever reliable.
2. my brother... well, ill have to give it to him cause at least he tries to exert himsef... will hope he keeps trying until he hits it right.
3. the twins are interesting... they always have been... cause they're so opposite. ria wasnt as openly active and involved mainly because her odd hours at work... but i knew she was involved somehow... good thing i had mom's phone with me the whole time. my hunch was correct. she may not be there physically taking charge, but she texts my mom... askinghow she is... makes her laugh... an important contribution. (and now mom is home, ria has hed wisdom teeth taken out... so she keeps her company and drives for her so she doesnt get too bored at home.. sweet... silently sweet.)
4. rina.. more complicated than i am... (haha. imagine that!). last friday, i realized she DOES care about the family... she just doesnt know how. and although she is most detached among us kids ad she's most vocal about her frustrations, its nice to know she still cares.
5. miah. always dependable, but also consistently stuck at work. we stayed overnight with my mom so she's not alone... miah is as reliable as tat... only may sablay factor si miah minsan. haha. i love my sister.

gosh. i TOTALLY forgot about papa. kasi naman, true enough he barely did anything. i sigh everytime i think of all our frustrations that involve him. and thats ll im going to say... FOR NOW.

i actually surprised myself when i ended up being sort of in-charge. it might be because of the AE training i have at work. hahaha. but im pretty happy to find out im fairly responsible comapred to my siblings. i always thought i was the spoied and tamad one in the family because im bunso. haha. growing up reveals a lot about yourself... :)

my mom naman... i think she's having retirement blues... nothing seems to please her... and everything pisses her off. which then causes her to become agitated and the rest follow.. high blood pressure, mahihilo, and masstress... again, im reminded my mom is growing old... and its really time to for me to double time to finish 'growing up'.

----------
im not very good at hiding my emotions or keeping them always in control. a lot of people have told me that im too emotional... im pa-girl.. im weird.. im praning.. melodramatic.. and i admit there is probably more truth to that than id want. so i try and keep my emotions in control. try not to let it get the better of me. try and re-direct my energies into more productive things. its worked most of the time, but lately i think the more i try and ignore them, the more berserk i get. i the long run, all the repression catches up and i just blow up. its good though that often it happens when im home and all the practice in keeping tabs on them helps me just sleep it off.

on the other hand, im not sure if im able to explain them well either. the times when i just really need to let it out, whenever i try to talk about them, people dont get it... and feeling ko people just dont get me. i mean, im happy there are those who accept me... quirks, emotions and all, but im not too sure they REALLY understand me. i say something in an attempt to express myself and more often than not, its taken the wrong way. maybe its because im a heart-girl surrounded by head-people... which might explain somehow why there's a jump somewhere.

hay. i dont know. last night i was thinking maybe its time to let go of this big secret ive been keeping. maybe its what is weighing me down... sinisingil nako for all this time that ive "ignored" it and refused to acknowledge it to the people involved. maybe its time to lay my cards on the table. its a big risk and ive been scared of it. but i know eventually ill have to face it someday.

such a jumpy post. haha. i guess it aptly reflects whats going on in my noggin. :p

may the right opportunities come... and may i be able to tke advantage of each a everyone of them.

----------

with all these 'concerns' that i carry around with me even subconsciously, no wonder im 'trippy'... i get triggered by the smallest and oddest things. oh well, these are the things i have to go through. im sure everyone else has their fair share of baggage.

hormone horror

goodness gracious. when hormones are raging, they RAGE. im not making it as an excuse for my loopiness, but i think with a little over 10 years of experience i can tell when things are defintely hormonal. oh, how they rage tonight.

i had a good day. wore my ultra bright and colorful shirt (one i bought in HK), and the new cuteness bracelet i found last night (apparently they MATCH! well, what do you know!?). was supposed to 'career' some legwork for some reports at work, but ended up spending a more leisurely afternoon with mel.

got SOME work done, which was still good... time spent well. :p

so it was a normal day. nothing out of the ordinary to trigger anything. then, BAM! when in get home, insecurities sink in. damnit. loopy loopy loopy.

starting to really hate it. why cant i just be 'normal' and infinitely less emotional like my other friends?!

let me in

i want to wake up one morning and realize that i have a nook in your life - that i have a position that no one can and ever will be able to fill in. i want to know and hear that im relevant and that i have an impact on you. i want to know that i am to you what you are to me. but thats going to be selfish and bratty of me. to want to get what i want, the way i want it.

a year ago...

ive been forgetful of some things that i confuse what happened on which year. some people have that gift. well, i was never to good in history anyways. anyway, once in a while, i trip and look at whats been posted "a year ago"... sometimes i do it on my blog, sometimes on other blogs.

so i checked my blog today.... this time last year:

1. i was in the middle of my whole ultimate jolog phase (honestly torn if that was my ultimate jolog phase or being with my ex was... hmmmm...). around this time last year, i was getting into this whole Qpids thing. sheesh. WTF was i thinking.

2. met up with mike and mic at 86 quezon... sigh... memories.

3. i was enraged and almost fed up (again) because of this heartless and soul-less person in my work-life. i was able to take on so much those days... all the crap i was put through... (makes me think why i snap more easily these days... but thats a totally different post)

4. mr & mrs smith... ah, yes... my "learning to be comfortable with yourself and appreciate alone time" phase. i was supposed to catch this movie alone but of all the luck in the world, i left my wallet at the office.

5. loopy days. these were the days when things were up and down and up and down and up and down... and all that. its funny. i wrote about vagueness -- id like to think i dont resort to vagueness as often anymore. i wrote about passion for dancing -- i still LOVE to dance... not sure if im as decent a dancer as i was, but i still love it (incidentally, i was watching dance fever on star world last night... i cried. i was so envious of all those peoplewho can just go and follow their passion because there are just so many opportunities for them there!). i wrote about feeling and not feeling -- i still ahve tose days but i keep them under tabs.

i wrote about a lot of things. my point is, some have changed a great deal, and some are same in some ways.

its nice to look back sometimes and remember what you've been through because in a way, i can (in small ways) appreciate how much 'easier' i have it now.

little rascals

time for new nephew photos!!!!





have more photos in my camera.. these are the ones from my phone pa lang. plus i dont want to be biased towards the little ones. :p its just that vins and sevi are the cutest ones right now... you know cuteness reduces with age. :p

post them tomorrow!

bolinao freedom weekend

its always nice to see new places, especially when company is great. the weeks leading up to this weekend were hellish and i was looking forward to the weekend each day.

bolinao rocks! i took over 400 photos.. anton took over 200... God knows how many photos pau took.. these should be proof of how great it was. haha.

cant find the words for it... thus this short post. haha.

when even just a little is too much

extra challenge to function properly at the office these days. its always been a challenge but these days its extra hard. its probably because my mind is just elsewhere in this universe.

i start my days hopeful because i feel better compared to the night before. but as the day progresses, i spiral downwards. and im left feeling confused and overwhelmed with all the things that are buzzing in my head (literally). and this is just work we're talking about. add the personal baggage, and it just overflows! so at the end of the day, i give my last burst of productiveness when everyone has gone home, and phones stop ringing. after which, i drag myself home looking forward to my single piece of royce chocolate, watching TV and falling asleep out of exhaustion.

right now, a few people are left here at the office, and the silence soothes my numb brain. sometimes i feel like i cant take the noise anymore. its not just the literal noise... the music, and the conversations, and all that... its the other kind of NOISE. i dont know how else to explain it. but sometimes i just want to turn it all off.

if i think about it.. and most often i do when people ask me if i have a lot of things to do... i really dont have an insane list of things to do. i mean, ive been through worse and gotten out fairly okay. but lately even with the 'manageable' load, i feel like i cant handle it... like its too much for me already. and i end up either: 1. feeling inadequate, 2. getting angry and bitchy, or 3. no caring and procrastinating.

this couldnt be healthy. i dont know if its just a phase or its "something else". i cant even think about it anymore. my brain just cant take it anymore.

aning

for some reason, as long as im at the office, i get agitated easily... short-tempered... and bitchy.

they say it comes in three's

i was supposed to write something about threes today. but i lost my thoughts i guess. anyway, today marks 3 years of being an official tax-payer. i was looking for a nice photo to post today.. and i found this one in imagebank... funny how apt it is to where i am in my life TODAY.

after three years, where do i want my life to go?

HK headache

hongkong weekend was good... wasnt as good as the last time i was there, but it had its highlights. im left with a pounding headache now... lack of sleep i assume... :p

corner teahouse: no HK trip will ever be complete without at least a meal here. i tried the milk tea this time and i loved it... no offense to Chowking, but their nai cha is nothing near the one in that tea house. this year, my dinner here was the best one i had... in fact, mc donald's was the next most decent meal i had.

muji: i passed out on buying stuff here last time i was in HK... this year, i bought some pero kulang pa rin! take me back to muji!

disney: aka "the happiest place on earth".. at least i can say ive been to one. space mountain was a blast... especially with anton shouting "ayoko naaaaa" beside me... cant wait to go to the better ones... the one in HK was small daw. but still i felt like i was going to cry... disney is disney! next time talaga aabutan ko na fireworks.

royce: my current indulgence... these are to die for... best tasting chocolates ive had so far. can wait to have my single piece tonight! im definitely being selfish about this... hahaha.

photos: not to be cheesy.. alright, i will. i dont think i would have as much fun moments in HK if not for the people i was with. awww...! even shenzhen was a bit bearable because of you guys... even if i was being a total bitch and brat. haha. bili tayo ng maraming platooooooooooo!

photos on my multiply account!

im so looking forward to our next trip... hahaha. travel whore.