Pillow for My Heart (1)

Bought this book last October 15 after hearing mass. Its a compilation of some quotes and short reflections about grief, and the experience of losing someone. I'd like to share some of the entries in the book as I read through them and perhaps some of my thoughts about them too.

I hope that inching my way back into writing will help me deal with the pain.

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We miss the little things, the familiar, ordinary routine: the meals, the phone calls, the sitting and sharing... and each time it seems as though the one we love is dying in us again and again. And so they are.. but like a seed, each memory falls into the dark soil of our sorrow and we must give it time to rest there until, in its own good time, with the gentle tending of our God, it will push its way up into the light and brighten our world.

Jesus answered them, 'The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you, unless the grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies , it bears much fruit..' - John 12:24

What helps sustain me for now is hearing stories about him from his friends and family - in a way its their memories that help more than my memories of him. I look forward to the day when I can go through my fondest memories of jP without feeling overwhelmed by the pain.

I've realized that its a process that I have to go through - one that I can't and shouldn't control. And as much as I don't enjoy dishing out cliches: time will heal my wounds.

As the book's introduction aptly says:

There is no logical progression in what follows - no straight line from sorrow to joy, from darkness to light, from brokenness to healing, from tears to smiles - because grieving is not like that. It is not a matter of the head but a matter of the heart. And the heart has its own beat, which may be regular and calm today, and tomorrow be pulsing wildly with pain. Grieving is a universal experience, yet it is also intensely personal, with its own rhythm which is different to each one of us.

from alice in wonderland to wizard of oz

got a call last tuesday that my visa got approved and all i needed to do was to go through a radiology exam. WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! so the next day i did just that and now i know i have between a week to two weeks for the test to arrive in melbourne then we can set THE date for my departure.

bittersweet news but im very stoked nonetheless. i was starting to get used to the bum life... wake up and see my boyfriend off to work (MWF) then spend time with my mom until its time to spend quality time with JP again after work. haha. i think if i ended up staying any longer, it would keep getting harder and harder to leave them behind (again).

but like i said, im looking forward to a new life in melbourne. it should be one hell of a ride that saigon has somehow (hopefully) prepared me for.

i am one blessed (and extremely thankful)girl.

back in manila

i havent posted much... and i know ill regret it. i like looking back and reading old posts because it gives me an "outsiders perspective" of myself. hahaha.

so today marks my 5th day back in manila and my 20th day of "unemployment"... a lot has been accomplished, and quite some more to be done.

its an unfamiliar feeling for me not to have SURE plans. im still waiting for word on my aus visa.. pending approval or otherwise, everything now is "for now". YIKES! i feel like a fish half out of water! it feels uncomfortable waiting in between like this.

oh well, basta im planning and moving based on the assumption that ill get it. ill cross the bridge of what to do if i dont get it, IF i unfortunately find myself there.

pleasant surprise for today

it so happens that ms. julie is in town and had invited joan and me for dinner. we met up with her at liza and benny caleda's lovely home here in phu my hung. it was apparent that joan and I were meant to meet them - that, in the greater scheme of things i had not crossed paths with them in my one year here but tonight i did.

what great (and inspiring) company we had! so many beautiful things shared over the equally lovely meal. stories on love, life, miracles, tips and tricks on surviving living abroad, etc. there was sooooooooooo much to get just from the stories they had and there was so much more by seeing how they live... and love.

some things i want to take note of coz i dont want to forget them when i wake up:

face adversity with a thankful heart

find entertainment in the hardest things you face

at the end of the day, we're visitors in their country

a woman needs a man who is smart and will always be able to make her laugh

ms julie, tita liza and tito benny... THANK YOU. :)

life's reminder

i have nothing profound to say. only to share that its funny how life sends you messages and reminders in places you would least expect them. sometimes its a random trigger that makes the cogs in your head just click and make sense... and sometimes its more obvious, more full-on and in-your-face...

today's reminder came from my mindless research on BAC XIU (spell check) --- my milk with coffee which im getting addicted to (CALORIES!!!). I was googling this to get my mind off some "excess concerns". 

anyway, here's what hit me in the face:

it reads: "Distance is not the end of the world in a relationship. Distance cannot and will not hurt a bond between two people that is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment and love. Although oyu may feel like you are losing faith in your relationships at times, hold fast and trust your heart! Truly believe that love and relationships are what make your life special and that the ones built on love and understanding are always worth preserving, regardless on the miles that separate two people."

mana sa ninang

thank you to sam for sending me this picture. :) check it out....

please take note of the fierceness of shoti. the dagger look... the half open mouth.... mana sa ninang... marunong magpa-picture. hahaha.