i've just about had it

a little less than a year ago, jp was shot dead back home - needless to say, my life has never been the same since and its probably one of the heaviest life challenges i've faced so far.

when i think of the circumstances i've had to deal with this year, no one can say i could have done a better job getting to where i am. on top of losing one of the most important people in my life (as if thats not crippling enough) i've had to fight to keep going forward and deal with a new job, new country, new culture, living entirely on my own, no family or old friends here etc etc etc. i think anyone will agree, thats quite a lot to chew and swallow.

it hasn't been easy - heck, there are still days that are an absolute nightmare. but everyday since that night, i have opened my eyes and, like it or not, have gotten out of bed to get on with my day. a year later its a little easier but no less painful and every day that i manage to do that is an achievement in itself because i could easily just give up on life - and trust me, ive been tempted too many times to do just that.

i know i've come a long way and i'm proud of every small step i'm managed to take because they're all steps i've had to take on my own here. i've been blessed with a handful of people who have been my constant sources of strength, but the reality is that for me to survive, i have only myself to rely on.

a year sounds like a long time, but for a broken heart and a broken soul, a year is just as painful as the first day - but its the small things that have kept me going.

i'm so angry right now. i've kept quiet every time someone tells me i should move on... i shouldn't have photos of him on my wall or on my phone... i should change my relationship status on facebook... i shouldn't celebrate 'monthsaries' etc etc etc. but today, i've just about had it.

i know people care about me and want me to be happy and perhaps thats their way of encouraging me. makes me wonder, do they even have an inkling of whats going on with me... have they even bothered to recently ask me how i'm doing or ask me what's going on in my head and in my heart... because if they knew these things, they would maybe understand and appreciate that IM TRYING SO VERY HARD to keep going on with my life and that i've made such good progress at 'going back to normal'. but no, they see snippets of what its been like - mostly whats on facebook, which i think is really just a bad basis to tell how someone is doing. again, if you really wanted to know how i'm progressing, surely you care enough to call me, or email me at least!

- if smiling photos of jp give me a moment's rest from the pain, surely they're forgivable.
- if keeping my relationship status the way it is will give me comfort that i'm declaring to the world that i will not stop loving him and he lives on in me, surely thats not a crime.
- if having pok with me when i sleep gives me better chances at a good night's rest, then there's nothing wrong with that, is there?
- if celebrating the 4th of every month by wearing yellow helps me feel good about getting out of bed, i don't see how that gets in the way of any one else's day.

all i want to say is, i've had so much to deal with this year and if you just took some time to ask me HOW I AM, maybe you'd see better. i dare you, walk in my shoes for a day and tell me its easy.