fab 4 (minus karlo.. )

im still writing my post... this one takes time to write.

in the meantime, enjoy some of my photos with my ever dearest friends... www.photos.com/gel_28 (fab 4 folder)

to maykhel and boo: it was really great seeing you again and getting to hag just like we used to. swimming fools na lang ang kulang! let's do that again before the 15th.

to karlo: kahit na hindi mo kami sinabihan na may bago ka nang number... na-miss kita... at sana sa susunod, makapag-pakita ka na.

the reunion

finally saw mike and mic last saturday. too bad karlo couldnt make it. i missed these people soooo much... had the happiest times with them back in college. i've known them around 4 years now. i can say they were my first REAL friends.. the kind you KNOW will be with you until you're old and wrinkley...haha. long and sad story .. let's not go there.

so i hauled my ass to qc (successfully commuting from the far barrio of bf homes paranaque to xavierville 3) last saturday, and spent the day with mike.. hang out lang like before.. we drove around and got back in time for dinner... thank God mic made it! hay. pahirapan, but she made it1

being around these people makes me happy. even if we dont do anything..

turning jologs...

ano ba itoh!!! i have allowed myself to turn jologs.

it started out as just a diversion for me.... i fed on my secret dream to be in showiz, latched on my tvc talent's participation in a reality tv show so id disctract myself from whatever is churning in my head...

WHAT HAPPENED?!

im turning jologs.

i have serious analyses (thank you julette for reminding me that analysis is a noun and thus does not have a past tense... hay. plural pala iniisip ko.) on the episodes, the pairs and all that. official text mate ko na ang tatay ng talent ko. affected ako sa mg developments (lalo na when i hear inside info).

worst of all: i have neglected my blog. seriously, i have not thought of my blog since my last entry... and no 'gana' to even think of what i can write about.

im morphing into my 'masa' self! haha. i know most of you are probably shaking your heads, cringing... but its the sad truth. im a CQA (bet none of you know what that means... its a jolog thing... hahaha.)!

but hey, i can say ive more or less succeeded... im somewhat more distracted and spend less time thinking thinking thinking about things i shouldnt be thinking/feeling. shet, ngayon lang ata ako nag-teenager... hahaha.

WANTED: boyfriend for tita angel (qualifications below)

SCENARIO:
June 18, saturday after lunch, in the car on your way to ukay-ukay in pasig... with my mom (guama), my eldest sister, and her 2 eldest sons - justin (9 yrs old) and sam (8 yrs old)

QUICK BACKGROUND:
some of you take a lot of crappy questions form relatives you dont see often or your parents' friends. like: "wala ka pa bang boyfriend? bakit?" (sabay tingin sa if analyzing kung tomboy ka ba or hindi). I get those a lot... usually right before they comment on how much weight ive gained (ganda di ba). tas sabay bawi saying.. "but you're more sexy now.. im sure marami nang magkagusto sa iyo... at hindi ka na gaano flat-chested... you're going to the gym na no?" if looks could kill! haha. but aside from them, without fail, my eldest nephew, justin, asks me EVERY weekend kung may boyfriend na ako... followed by a machine gun of odd questions...

OK GAME, ETO NA KWENTO KO:
so we were in the car, and he asks me again...

Justin: Tita, bakit wala ka pang boyfriend?
(obviously trying to avoid the topic)
Tita Angel: Bakit gusto mo ako magka-boyfriend?
Justin: Eh, bakit nga wala pa...?
(my mom, clearly in denial. hahaha.)
Guama: Eh kasi wala pa si tita nakikitang deserving maging boyfriend nya.
Justin: Eh...
Guama: Teka muna justin, ano ba sa tingin mo dapat hanapin ni tita angel sa boy para pwede na nya maging boyfriend? Give ka 5....
Justin: Um, dapat mabait...
Sam: Ikaw lang ang girl, hindi na hahanap ng iba... hindi kayo lagi mag-aaway...
(this is my favorite! hahaha.)
Justin: Lagi may gift... yun earrings, ganun...
Sam: Minsan sya naman masusunod.
Tita Angel: What do you mean?
Justin: Yung hindi puro si tita angel ang masusunod, minsan sya naman.

And the conversation continues about if my bother in law and my sister are like that.. binuko ng mga bata yung magulang by saying minsan nag-argue sila... lagi si 'papa ang nasusunod.. pag gusto mag shopping, sasabihin nya wag na lang!'. pag may biniling mahal si papa nagagalit si mama... and so on...

i found their answers to our questions very surprising... i forget how smart my nephews are... lalo na si justin. ever since, mahilig nang makinig sa usapan ng matanda... and he asks you stuff afterwards. matanda na nga mag-isip minsan. i was expecting they'd say: may car, marunong mag basketball at computer games, may muscles.. and other boy stuff... nakakatuwa. i was smiling the whole afternoon (right up until they started getting on our nerves sa kakulitan and messy kumain. sigh.)

HATE POST: just ranting to let off steam

phone conversation (not verbatim but captures the gist of it):

CLIENT: sinabi na ba ng network sa iyo.. tuesday na yung shoot sa cebu. hindi na tomorrow.

AE: Ah, okay. they havent told me yet. ill find out why tuesday pa. ang tight ng timelines nila.. tuesday shoot. edit pa and revise. that means friday na ako makaka-adboard.

CLIENT: bakit?

AE: kasi ideally thu sana ako mag adboard allowance for and hitches.

CLIENT: realistically friday ka pa mag-adboard.

AE: yah, mukha nga. ang tight ng timelines talaga. bakit kaya tuesday pa.

CLIENT (his exact words): ano bang nangyari sa atin this week... parang walang gumalaw.

AE: (too shocked and dumbfounded at the asshole remark to immediately respond) ill find out why tuesday and shoot.

CLIENT: okay.

(END OF CONVERSATION)

i cannot believe he has the nerve to say that... TO IMPLY THAT I HAVE WASTED MY TIME THIS WEEK AND ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING.

here's the real deal:
he was out of reach for three whole days... tuesday to thursday... isama mo pa yung monday holiday...
he insists that he join the shoot... and wants it in CEBU. no negotiations there... sa CEBU. period.

kaya po tuesday pa ang shoot. ready kami mag shoot tomorrow in bacolod. but since kasama sha at sa cebu nya gusto at may weekend event ang cebu production, tuesday na po ang shoot. CAUSE OF DELAY KA MEHN.

dont go fucking blaming it on me... I WORKED ON THIS EVERY DAMN DAY IM AT WORK... I DID MY FRIGGING BEST... KULANG PA BA?!

someone please get rid of him. make him go far far far away. i still like where i am... i dont want to leave yet... dont let him make me leave...

MENTAL NOTE: just because you dont see it, doesnt mean its not there, or it didnt happen. fucker.

loser-ville

whats more olats:
1. watching a movie alone and then going home alone in the rain?

OR

2. going home in the rain even though you dont want to go home pa because you have nothing else to do anyways?

these are the answers got:
1. Shempre yung umuwi na walang nagawa! Ako i watch movies alone all the time, its liberating actually.
2. Huh?! Olats 2 watch a movi alone!

brief background... backtrack a bit first...
ive been wanting to watch a movie for some time now, and i set my eyes on mr & mrs smith. long story short, i havent been able to watch because i want to watch naman with someone (no particular person in mind). BUT, either napanuod na o busy mga niyayaya ko manuod.

okay back to the main kwento...
so today i VOWED to watch that movie... regardless kung may kasama ako or mag-isa... i had all the screening skeds in Greenbelt, Glorietta AND Powerplant (in case my sister can watch with me). so anyway, by end of the day, i had decided to push through wiith it. i was going to watch it alone. kung sakali, this will be the first time ill get to watch a movie alone (sa sinehan ha).

so my officemate was kind enough to drop me off sa glorietta so i can catch the 730 screening at glorietta 1 (thanks again maarj-ee!). we left the office around 7pm (nanuod pa kasi ako ng Qpids... date ni gabb and karel) and it was drizzling so medjo traffic. and on my way there i started having doubts about watching alone... sabi ko 'umuwi na lang kaya ako? ay, mas olats ata yun... umuulan pa naman.' thus the text message to some friends above and their responses.

i decided to go watch... catharsis... i figure i can have a good time on my own and it will be a good execise to do stuff on my own naman. so i got to the mall 730 na halos. i said 'okay lang to miss a few (maybe 10-15) minutes of the movie.. the point is im doing it alone. and i kno will enjoy myself naman. olats na kung olats. mas-olats naman kung wala pala ako pera'. i even planned out what munchies to buy! so i was walking to the ticket booth, i reach inside my bag and rumage though my stuff... GREAT... i left my wallet on my desk at the office... NOW THIS IS REALLY OLATS. i started laughing. i couldnt help it... i was laughing in the middle of glorietta 1! GANDA TALAGA! The perfect twist to my day.

so i called some friends to share my loser-ness. haha. sabi nga ni cy: 'i have four words for you... kinan*toot* ka ng kamalasan'. aptly put! hahaha. but hey, i got the answer to my question....

may mas olats pa sa panunuod ng sine mag-isa at umuwi mag-isa habang umuulan....

AT

may mas olats pa sa umuwi na lang (kahit ayaw mo pa) dahil wala ka nang magawa at mag-isa ka...

mas olats yung nasa mall ka, and you cannot do anything!

1. no money to watch a movie alone
2. no money to go home (in the rain)
3. no ATM card so you can withdraw - oo nga, sweldo na today... hindi ko naman ma-withdraw! haha.
4. no credit card to shop with

buti na lang full bar battery ng cel ko... sukdulan na ng kamalasan yun kung sakali! so i called my sister so she can meet me and pay for my fare pauwi.

in fairness, i had money naman... Php16.00 worth of coins... just enough to buy 1 japanese cake.. mind you, its the BEST one ive had so far.. appreciate ko talaga!

so there... my loser day... but i had a good laugh because of it... nice contrast to the gloom-and-doom ive been feeling lately. (lately nga lang ba?!)

ililigo ko na talaga ito... shake off the jinx. hahaha.

OUT-of-ORDER

there's a feeling when you're numb.

i feel like im floating through all this... not in a good way.. but in an emotionless and deadma way.

either that or there's so much out there that ive had my own short circuit and i have mush for brains and a heart.

i guess this is better than having extreme emotions for everything.

fuck, i dont even know whats wrong. how do i fix something if i dont know whats broken?

saying it as it is

sometimes even when im around so many people, thats when i feel most alone. there are days when i feel connected with everything... sometimes naman everything is so alien to me. wala lang. its funny, ironic and cool all at the same time.

ive been feeling weird lately... parang roller coaster.. but more or less ive been in control i think... i mean, most of the time ill be okay on the outside. especially when im at work and whatever is bothering me isnt about work naman, but i trip at the oddest triggers... tapos bigla na lang hindi na ako okay... i get quiet and i spiral from there. then i try to sleep it off. my bestfriend says i tend to repress a lot of things. that's quite hard to believe kasi i talk about everything... even the smallest things... and i usually ask everyone's opinion before deciding on anything. now i wonder if this is a manifestation of just that... am i overflowing with repressed issues?

tomorrow will be spent doing something totally out of what im used to doing for work. it will probably be a good time for me to also think of things other than what i usually think of... iba naman di ba? tomorrow will be an 'iba naman' day.

no blogging for me... well, maybe when i get home... sana by then i can talk about something happier naman... right now i feel like im about to explode and all the things ive been keeping myself from saying will just come out.. word vomit.. exactly that. except im not drunk. i shouldnt let that happen... its like opening a mini pandora's box...

to all my friends who are going through their own ordeals and issues... i won't offer idealistic and 'preach-ey' words of so-called wisdom. i have none for now. only that we all can take consolation in knowing we are not alone in the shit-hole we are in, and as long as we keep moving, it will soon pass. i will pray for each one of you tonight. pray that with the rains will come peace of mind and heart for us all.

why i dont believe in 'ligaw' and 'dating'

ligaw is so superficial and pretentious. guys will almost always put their best foot forward... be the perfect gentleman, be such a caring friend, be the funny and intelligent guy, be the girls ideal man. the girl on the other hand puts on a similar show! best clothes, well groomed everything, perfect smile and pleasing personality to match.

and they say the dating and/or ligaw stage is when 2 persons get to know each other... i hardly think thats 'getting to know' anyone. how can you get to know someone if he/she puts on a show? ok, fine.. you DO get to know someone to a certain extent since you know how good he/she can get... haha. so, kung liligawan ka ng isang lalaki, darling, keep in mind that's as good as he gets! hahahaha.

im all for the show me who you REALLY are.. lets hang out with your friends, lets hang out with my friends... lets talk about your insecurities and my quirks... lets get down to the dirty stuff about you... para malinaw from the beginning. di ba? i mean why do i have to pretend im an 'angel' (too bad that's my name di ba?) when i really do have my biatch moments?! im not going to go and pretend im miss-goodie-two-shoes. ill be who i am --- contradictions, mood swings and all.

i think ive found the reason why im still single. hahahaha.

dont get me wrong, and i may sound like im going to contradict myself, but im not.. this is all clear in my head.

im a hopless romantic... i dream of being swept off my feet by this great guy who will treat me the way i deserve to be treated (and no complications!)... i get kilig when i get thoughtful messages and pleasant surprises... i pray each year i get something on valentine's day... i cry and get envious at the leading ladies in romance stories... all that mushy mumbo-jumbo... hey, im a girl! but i like keeping it real and sincere. yun lang. simple and straighforward. pero sincere.

mood analysis test results

from www.colorgenics.com
Your colors: blue, orange, red, black, green, yellow, grey, fuschia

You don't need anxiety and problems. All you really seek is a conflict free environment which can offer peace and mental security. You don't like the idea of being alone and, whatever the reason, at this time of your life you feel as if you are being 'left out'. What you really need is perhaps some 'tender loving care'.

Now there are many things in life that you require as essential to your well-being but, try as you may, something always seems to be getting in your way. A word of advice - 'keep trying' and you may be pleasantly surprised to see just how matters turn out.

Enough is enough - but the problems never seem to stop. They never stop. You feel, and maybe you are right, that the problems seem to go on and on and you have indeed had more than your fair share of trials and tribulations. But to give you credit - you bounce back time and time again - you stick to your beliefs because deep down you have that inner knowledge, that 'belief' system that in the end, everything will turn out OK - and you are right -it will!

You are frustrated and stressed. You appreciate the finer things in life but at all times you appear to stay aloof, critical of everything and everyone about you. You will not be carried away by your emotions and you refuse to trust anyone or any situation unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore, you keep a strict and watchful control on your feelings as you must know exactly where you stand at all times. You demand complete sincerity as a protection against your own tendency to be too trusting.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavors and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

why i love to dance

dancing for 13 years has really made me who i am. its my passion.

but, i always knew i had to give it up eventually. i neither had the money (to live off), nor the skill (to be immensely brilliant and earn tons of money). can relate talaga to the mom in 'center stage' who had the heart to dance ballet, but not the feet.

i haven't danced in two years... more than, even.

i miss it because i will always associate it with the time in my life when i can REALLY say: i know who i am. im not saying that i never went through confusing and tough times back then --- i did. but at the end of most days, when im off to training or off to a performance, i find the balance in my life again. it was my escape so i can regain my composure.

i loved it so much that i would do anything just to get to perform... therapy, attend insanely early classes so i can go perform during halftime for weekday games, train for hours and hours everyday, etc. ang sarap ng feeling na i get to release all the pent up energy and emotions of the day... i get to push my body to the limit. pag mainit ulo ko or when im sad and frustrated, there are so many drills i can do to let it all go. sarap nung feeling that you sweat out all your negative thoughts and you get to pig out on all the food you want coz you burn it anyway. sarap nung feeling knowing i get to do someting i am good at and enjoy it more that i could explain. sarap nung feeling that you realize you get to jump higher, or combine skills, or nail that turn that has been haunting you. parang lahat ng gigil ko nawawala each time i train or perform.

performing... i really miss that. especially experiencing the progress in reactions from the crowd. freshman year, only the players' moms were happy to see us on court. senior year, everyone was on their feet (well, no teveryone.. there are still those die hard boys only ang babble alumni). and now i cant help but be envious of the 'fame' that the team enjoys now. they get to enjoy what we worked hard for. but i take pride that i can say.. i worked for that.

you're probably thinking cheering lang yan.. how hard can it be? its all about pa-cute, waving your pompoms, pigtails and short skirts. i resent those comments. the girls i was with during the hardest of those times will agree when i say that 'in our time', we worked for whatever we knew and had. sure, some other teams were WAY better than we were, pero minana na lang nila yun... in place na yun when they came in. i can say, i was part of the group who built it... pinaghirapan talaga at ginapang. dont get the wrong impression.. i was just part of a team.. never in the spotlight but played an integral part. i was never the captain (only almost), i was never the heartthrob, i was a member who poured her very self into the team.

maybe that's why i love dancing. i poured myself into it. i saw knew and saw myself in it.

so what do i do now that i've stopped?
where do i 'pour' myself?
my friends? but friendships have limits and are beyond my control.
love? too unpredictable.
family? sounds like the logical thing to do, but this is supposed to be a given.
work? hahaha. maybe a shift in career should be in place first.

until i have figured this out, i will be dancing in my mind...

always easier said than done

i couldnt agree more, pat. super can relate. i think of the same things...

whenever i toss those thoughts on my head, i cant help but feel bad about myself... thinking of things that can remotely explain why i find myself in this situation again. things that should make me feel better about the situation kasi 'its logical'. things like:

we're not compatible
he's really not the one i want
im just not girlfriend material
it's not the right time
we're better off as friends
its because im 'one of the boys'
she's a trophy girlfriend and clearly im not
i deserve someone better
im not his type (translated: im fat and ugly. or im too thin i look like a guy)

then of course.. without fail i cry. i cry because these things matter to me. i cry, because sometimes things that happen to me make me feel as though i will never be happy... happy the way i want to be happy. (contradiction: be content with who you are, what you have and whre you are. AND build your destiny. no pain, no gain etc.) crying is so normal to me... anyone who knows me knows how easily i cry. (mom says i cry coz i wear my heart on my shoulder.. which is weird kasi im transparent and not transparent about my feelings...)

i cry because, myself included, everyone just wants to be happy.

they say, happiness is a choice you make. i agree. but its also normal to feel down in the dumps every so often. i guess to a certain extent it's normal to expect... kahit na sabihin ng iba: 'ikaw kasi you shouldnt have expected anything.', its only human to expect even the littlest of things... kahit manlang to get back what you gave. just like what you said... you go out on a limb, you take the risk, to forget your fear and take the plunge (ika nga ni padre ferriols: ilundag mo, bebe!), and it IS heart breaking to get the short, shitty, and often foulest of foul end of the stick. oo nga... why cant our kind just swear off love and never get hurt again? my answer is... im not built that way.

at the end of it all, i take consolation in the thought that either something bigger, better and more beautiful htan i imagined and hoped for, OR it will be something totally the opposite and might even be somewhat of a disappointment. but i WILL be happy because i know its mine.

i guess that's something everyone has to go through. its a process, pat... argue with yourself in your head... you'll realize that you are the only one who can convince yourself of what you should do, think, and feel. its a tough process that i dread myself. parang i get torn up everytime i got through it... but you have to fight... just see it through and fight.

im a fighter.. i know.. i cry, but i fight.

art of ambiguity

mel says ive become so vague. haha.
sabi nya kaka-blog ko daw yun.
im not vague naman ah!
i just save the gory details for face-to-face conversations.
either that, or im hiding something...
i attempt to talk about it but i get chicken to go all the way. haha.
so i end up with vague and often ambiguous statements.
nakaka-bitin ano?!