dancing for 13 years has really made me who i am. its my passion.
but, i always knew i had to give it up eventually. i neither had the money (to live off), nor the skill (to be immensely brilliant and earn tons of money). can relate talaga to the mom in 'center stage' who had the heart to dance ballet, but not the feet.
i haven't danced in two years... more than, even.
i miss it because i will always associate it with the time in my life when i can REALLY say: i know who i am. im not saying that i never went through confusing and tough times back then --- i did. but at the end of most days, when im off to training or off to a performance, i find the balance in my life again. it was my escape so i can regain my composure.
i loved it so much that i would do anything just to get to perform... therapy, attend insanely early classes so i can go perform during halftime for weekday games, train for hours and hours everyday, etc. ang sarap ng feeling na i get to release all the pent up energy and emotions of the day... i get to push my body to the limit. pag mainit ulo ko or when im sad and frustrated, there are so many drills i can do to let it all go. sarap nung feeling that you sweat out all your negative thoughts and you get to pig out on all the food you want coz you burn it anyway. sarap nung feeling knowing i get to do someting i am good at and enjoy it more that i could explain. sarap nung feeling that you realize you get to jump higher, or combine skills, or nail that turn that has been haunting you. parang lahat ng gigil ko nawawala each time i train or perform.
performing... i really miss that. especially experiencing the progress in reactions from the crowd. freshman year, only the players' moms were happy to see us on court. senior year, everyone was on their feet (well, no teveryone.. there are still those die hard boys only ang babble alumni). and now i cant help but be envious of the 'fame' that the team enjoys now. they get to enjoy what we worked hard for. but i take pride that i can say.. i worked for that.
you're probably thinking cheering lang yan.. how hard can it be? its all about pa-cute, waving your pompoms, pigtails and short skirts. i resent those comments. the girls i was with during the hardest of those times will agree when i say that 'in our time', we worked for whatever we knew and had. sure, some other teams were WAY better than we were, pero minana na lang nila yun... in place na yun when they came in. i can say, i was part of the group who built it... pinaghirapan talaga at ginapang. dont get the wrong impression.. i was just part of a team.. never in the spotlight but played an integral part. i was never the captain (only almost), i was never the heartthrob, i was a member who poured her very self into the team.
maybe that's why i love dancing. i poured myself into it. i saw knew and saw myself in it.
so what do i do now that i've stopped?
where do i 'pour' myself?
my friends? but friendships have limits and are beyond my control.
love? too unpredictable.
family? sounds like the logical thing to do, but this is supposed to be a given.
work? hahaha. maybe a shift in career should be in place first.
until i have figured this out, i will be dancing in my mind...
6 comments:
i know how you feel abt giving up the passion for dancing because of circumstances...exactly what i was thinking. lets just say i have some regrets abt not pursuing that passion, too, after graduation.=)
maybe in the future ul be performing again. who knows? just dont entirely give up that thing ur really good at. =)
haay angel, i thought i was the only one who felt that way! u inspired me to write about it too in my blog. read it when you can. :)
coehlo said it something like: if you dream about it badly enough, the world will conspire with you.
i love that word: "conspire".
don't lose the passion, even if you have nowhere to direct it to. it makes it easier to live knowing that there is something you are completely passionate about, even if you can't act on it yet.
i don't even know what i'm passionate about. sobrang kalat kasi. :p hehe
there are decisions we make in life that are 'career moves'.. they aren't the decisions we want to make whole hearltedly, but we have to make them nonetheless if we want a comfortable life.
sell out ba ako? haha. ever sincve naman, ive realized that if i can continue to dance (in whatever form), it will really have to take second fiddle to my day job... that's the only way i can get my travel-every-year-kids-living-well life.
but i am happy in a sense that i know what i am passionate about...
im not so clueless about myself afterall.
I admire people like you and pau. I was never passionate towards anything. That's probably why the events in my life were easier to "swallow"... I just accepted whatever came my way. People like you guys have more direction in life, because you know what you want. I never knew what I wanted. I guess, God had to show me what I want because I'm happy where I am now. Of course, in your case, there is more room for disappointments and frustrations... nevertheless, I think you're living a richer life than I did when I was your age.
mel, you're right about more room for disappointment and frustrations knowing what i want. especially if it seens that's not what im supposed to do. i guess thats a possible down side to knowing what you want.
i think when i decided to go 'corporate', i started to ask myself not what i want... coz i knew that already... but what ELSE do i want.. i still dont have an answer to that, but i know i will eventually.
i was talking to some friends from college about this, and they said, that might eplain my excessive 'instability'.. because i dont know what else i want. dancing grounded me more back then and i was more in control because i know it was what i wanted to do. now that i have to figure out what my second option is, the 'metaphysical unease' takes over.
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