always easier said than done

i couldnt agree more, pat. super can relate. i think of the same things...

whenever i toss those thoughts on my head, i cant help but feel bad about myself... thinking of things that can remotely explain why i find myself in this situation again. things that should make me feel better about the situation kasi 'its logical'. things like:

we're not compatible
he's really not the one i want
im just not girlfriend material
it's not the right time
we're better off as friends
its because im 'one of the boys'
she's a trophy girlfriend and clearly im not
i deserve someone better
im not his type (translated: im fat and ugly. or im too thin i look like a guy)

then of course.. without fail i cry. i cry because these things matter to me. i cry, because sometimes things that happen to me make me feel as though i will never be happy... happy the way i want to be happy. (contradiction: be content with who you are, what you have and whre you are. AND build your destiny. no pain, no gain etc.) crying is so normal to me... anyone who knows me knows how easily i cry. (mom says i cry coz i wear my heart on my shoulder.. which is weird kasi im transparent and not transparent about my feelings...)

i cry because, myself included, everyone just wants to be happy.

they say, happiness is a choice you make. i agree. but its also normal to feel down in the dumps every so often. i guess to a certain extent it's normal to expect... kahit na sabihin ng iba: 'ikaw kasi you shouldnt have expected anything.', its only human to expect even the littlest of things... kahit manlang to get back what you gave. just like what you said... you go out on a limb, you take the risk, to forget your fear and take the plunge (ika nga ni padre ferriols: ilundag mo, bebe!), and it IS heart breaking to get the short, shitty, and often foulest of foul end of the stick. oo nga... why cant our kind just swear off love and never get hurt again? my answer is... im not built that way.

at the end of it all, i take consolation in the thought that either something bigger, better and more beautiful htan i imagined and hoped for, OR it will be something totally the opposite and might even be somewhat of a disappointment. but i WILL be happy because i know its mine.

i guess that's something everyone has to go through. its a process, pat... argue with yourself in your head... you'll realize that you are the only one who can convince yourself of what you should do, think, and feel. its a tough process that i dread myself. parang i get torn up everytime i got through it... but you have to fight... just see it through and fight.

im a fighter.. i know.. i cry, but i fight.