my reward

so ive been working mr sweet arse off for quite a while now and while im really happy and proud with all the achievements, im pretty darn tired and worn out.

today though, ive decided to purchase a new toy for myself... hopefully my new iphone 4 will arrive sooner than the 3 weeks estimated. SWEET!

somehow i feel less tired and deflated. :)

ive worked hard and it feels darn great to be able to buy something 'expensive' by my standards.

okay, fine. i got a massive discount by getting it through the office, but still!!!! :p

WICKED

im so excited i get to watch wicked in a few weeks. YUHOO!!!!!

in awe of brilliance

its not everyday that you come across people who just exude brilliance, let alone have the chance to work with them. i must say, im one lucky girl who might have a bit of an office crush - by office crush, i DONT mean romantically / physically attracted.

i've always heard people here at the office (and even back in the saigon office) at how amazingly brilliant he is but i never thought i'd still be blown away by it when i had the chance to see it for myself. im out of words other than to say im in awe. i think i can actually just sit and listen to him talk for hours. LOL. dorky me.

if i wanted to be someone when i grew up, id be through the roof to be a girl-version of him.

BRILLIANT!

a big yellow blur

today literally flew by. spent 98% of it in meetings and i literally only sat at my desk to 'begin my day' at 5pm. TROI OI! i'm a bit worried about tomorrow because of all the things i didn't get to do today has just been carried over to tomorrow - and i have a morning meeting for 2 new briefs. its going to be interesting how the rest of this week will pan out.

on a personal note, had mini-celebrations to commemorate what would have been our 2nd anniversary today. waterworks started 'early' late last night with greetings from jp's sisters - they are amazing people and im really lucky that they've really treated me like family. needless to say i woke up with the puffiest eyes ever. LOL. nothing make-up can't make better.

by mini-celebrations, i mean...
- yellow outfit: yellow shirt underneath a denim tube dress, cute argyle tights, and my ever-reliable charles & keith heels
- bought a new bunch of yellow roses for my desk
- sent flowers to his house. snaps for mom for helping me with that. the original ecuadorian roses got held up at customs so mom made a call on what the arrangement will be. i can't wait for them to send me pics!
- posted my video that i'd put together over the weekend. (i'm still singing Smile in my head!)

its all been a big yellow blur actually. i still can't get over that the day is really done.

i wish i have a sweet visit in my dreams tonight. not sure if i did last night/this morning... its possible that i just don't remember. so maybe i wish for a dream that i'll remember in the morning!

just sharing the video i posted and his sisters' very sweet greetings.

A lot of times you asked me why i love you. I can think of a long list of reasons why, but my favorite one is simple: YOU MAKE ME SMILE. Happy 2nd 4th of August, JP Manabat! I miss & love you x 2 quantillion... to infinity and beyond. :p (Smile by Uncle Kracker)

i've just about had it

a little less than a year ago, jp was shot dead back home - needless to say, my life has never been the same since and its probably one of the heaviest life challenges i've faced so far.

when i think of the circumstances i've had to deal with this year, no one can say i could have done a better job getting to where i am. on top of losing one of the most important people in my life (as if thats not crippling enough) i've had to fight to keep going forward and deal with a new job, new country, new culture, living entirely on my own, no family or old friends here etc etc etc. i think anyone will agree, thats quite a lot to chew and swallow.

it hasn't been easy - heck, there are still days that are an absolute nightmare. but everyday since that night, i have opened my eyes and, like it or not, have gotten out of bed to get on with my day. a year later its a little easier but no less painful and every day that i manage to do that is an achievement in itself because i could easily just give up on life - and trust me, ive been tempted too many times to do just that.

i know i've come a long way and i'm proud of every small step i'm managed to take because they're all steps i've had to take on my own here. i've been blessed with a handful of people who have been my constant sources of strength, but the reality is that for me to survive, i have only myself to rely on.

a year sounds like a long time, but for a broken heart and a broken soul, a year is just as painful as the first day - but its the small things that have kept me going.

i'm so angry right now. i've kept quiet every time someone tells me i should move on... i shouldn't have photos of him on my wall or on my phone... i should change my relationship status on facebook... i shouldn't celebrate 'monthsaries' etc etc etc. but today, i've just about had it.

i know people care about me and want me to be happy and perhaps thats their way of encouraging me. makes me wonder, do they even have an inkling of whats going on with me... have they even bothered to recently ask me how i'm doing or ask me what's going on in my head and in my heart... because if they knew these things, they would maybe understand and appreciate that IM TRYING SO VERY HARD to keep going on with my life and that i've made such good progress at 'going back to normal'. but no, they see snippets of what its been like - mostly whats on facebook, which i think is really just a bad basis to tell how someone is doing. again, if you really wanted to know how i'm progressing, surely you care enough to call me, or email me at least!

- if smiling photos of jp give me a moment's rest from the pain, surely they're forgivable.
- if keeping my relationship status the way it is will give me comfort that i'm declaring to the world that i will not stop loving him and he lives on in me, surely thats not a crime.
- if having pok with me when i sleep gives me better chances at a good night's rest, then there's nothing wrong with that, is there?
- if celebrating the 4th of every month by wearing yellow helps me feel good about getting out of bed, i don't see how that gets in the way of any one else's day.

all i want to say is, i've had so much to deal with this year and if you just took some time to ask me HOW I AM, maybe you'd see better. i dare you, walk in my shoes for a day and tell me its easy.

lazy weekend

my weekends can only be one of two things - extremely busy or extremely lazy. i love it.

its so obvious that this week is a lazy one. yesterday felt like it lasted 3 hours because i woke up late. hahaha. i got a bit of grocery shopping done, so thats my productivity quota for the day.

i love weekends!

perspective

all in all i think it was a good week for me. its been tough, but i woke up today feeling proud that i've gone through it and i've proven to myself that i can. ive give this week more than my all and i dont think anyone can say that things didnt get done because ive slacked off - things didnt get done because its jut not humanly possible for me to do them all! :p

i had a catch up with S today and i told her there are two simple things i want to be able to accomplish when it come so work: one, to do a good job... and two, be good at my job. i really believe that people who get to do the things they love for a living are blessed and that not everyone will get to do that. for me, my job doesnt define me anymore and i dont live to work, BUT i still care enough about what i do that i want to be good at it.

i miss waking up knowing im great at what i do and thats what im working towards. :)

day 3 - draw

i've realised today that my main problem with this week isn't that i don't know what im doing - its just the volume of work that i need to get through. all the stuff that i don't know (yet) i have someone around to help me with that and it's starting to frustrate me that i'm not able to spend more time on those things and learn from the more experienced people helping me with them. OI!

as you know, i've been staying back after office hours to "get ahead" for the next day. i dont mind investing my time this way if it starts to mean that i can spend more time learning new things BUT i don't intend to make a habit out of it. oh no. i've been there, i've done that. no sir.

today though, is a slightly different story. im staying back to get through just the things for today! OI! good thing is nothing is out of control and im not insanely behind on things - im keeping up fairly well considering everything that needs to be done versus just one me.

augh! i cant even finish writing this... too hungry. blech.

thats it. im going home! :p

still standing

brutal 2 days so far... 3 more to go this week and ill be darned if i don't get through it in one piece! I WILL WIN OVER ALL THE WORKLOAD.

perseverance is the key. i may be nervous. i may be tired. i may be in a bit of a panic state. but i just have to keep moving and keep going. i call on dory's wise words - JUST KEEP SWIMMING.

i really really want to be able to learn as much as i can from all the great projects that have come in. its a shame that they've all flooded in almost at the same time, but i guess that adds to the lessons to be learned.

i feel like im in a boxing fight and so far, id like to think ive taken heavy blows but im still ahead at the end of each round. :p

on a side note (more like an extended rant) this morning was a fiasco though. trains were delayed because of some power outtake, i think. and i was collateral damage. i had a 10am meeting and i called for a cab (which are fairly reliable here) and 40 minutes later, NO CAB. B and i literally called 4x for a cab and NONE came. why? coz everyone who couldnt get on a train most likely were getting cabs to work or wherever they needed to go. long story short, i had to tram it to the city to my meeting and ended up there 30 minutes late. HOW EMBARRASSING. my client was uber nice and understanding though, but still.

anyway, enough of that, tomorrow is a new day... got to hold onto my "winning streak"!

sleep tight everyone. xx

manic monday

i KNEW today was going to be crazy. what i didnt know was that it wasnt going to be crazy all day - thank God for that!

manic manic morning, but despite my frazzled state, i think it went well. a lot of stuff got done in the studio, which is great. i just need to be able to keep up with all the admin and project management stuff attached to it. which explains why im still at my desk at 8:01pm.

i seem to get heaps more done in a silent office. by no means do i intend to make a habit of this, but if it means staying afloat the next day, its a small sacrifice that im happy to make. let's think of it as an investment towards my sanity.

tomorrow is a new day and im a day closer to the weekend - YAY!

alright, time to head home and rest.

PS. adobo and sinigang were big hits at dinner last night. :D it was a culinary night with teaching C how to cook them and watching the grand finale of Master Chef.

cooking day

heading to C's to teach her how to cook sinigang and adobo. STOKED! nakaktaba talaga ng puso to see how much she likes pinoy food - such a sweetie. pinoy na pinoy kumain - madaming kanin, sauce lang ng adobo ulam na, tapos yung sinigang iniinom na from the bowl. classic.

yesterday's trip to victoria street in north richmond was a treat too. took my time going through the stuff in the stores there and it was worth it. now i know where to get some of the (familiar) ingredients for more meals from home. i was never happier to find tilapia and kangkong in my life!

on my way home, i was scrambling to be able to write all the food i can now cook. i never realized how much i miss filipino food - now i dont have to as much anymore.

so off i go to C's... i still have dishes to wash before i pack and head into the shower.

will take photos and post them as soon as i have a 15min gap from work. :p

happy eating everyone!!!

9 months later

i can't believe its been 9 months since my last post! actually, i can. i've just been 'busy' with everything else thats been going on with me. in hind sight i should have written every time i felt good, bad, sad, happy, helpless, empowered, confused, etc.

well, no one said i can't start writing now!

9 months ago, i had to face jp's 40th day alone - the first of many jp-related occasions to come. a week ago, i had to face his birthday - i wasn't alone this time. looking back at october 2009, things aren't as crippling-ly painful anymore. its still painful, take my word for it.. and i still do get very very angry about things, but its good that i've learned ways to deal with it.

so all i really just wanted to say is i should start writing again more often. if only to unload. i dont even know if people still read this page or not - doesn't matter, i just need to be able to unload my thoughts so i don't get bogged down by them.

PS its funny that if i was pregnant back then, id be getting ready to pop any day now... 9 months!

Pillow for My Heart (1)

Bought this book last October 15 after hearing mass. Its a compilation of some quotes and short reflections about grief, and the experience of losing someone. I'd like to share some of the entries in the book as I read through them and perhaps some of my thoughts about them too.

I hope that inching my way back into writing will help me deal with the pain.

-----

We miss the little things, the familiar, ordinary routine: the meals, the phone calls, the sitting and sharing... and each time it seems as though the one we love is dying in us again and again. And so they are.. but like a seed, each memory falls into the dark soil of our sorrow and we must give it time to rest there until, in its own good time, with the gentle tending of our God, it will push its way up into the light and brighten our world.

Jesus answered them, 'The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you, unless the grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies , it bears much fruit..' - John 12:24

What helps sustain me for now is hearing stories about him from his friends and family - in a way its their memories that help more than my memories of him. I look forward to the day when I can go through my fondest memories of jP without feeling overwhelmed by the pain.

I've realized that its a process that I have to go through - one that I can't and shouldn't control. And as much as I don't enjoy dishing out cliches: time will heal my wounds.

As the book's introduction aptly says:

There is no logical progression in what follows - no straight line from sorrow to joy, from darkness to light, from brokenness to healing, from tears to smiles - because grieving is not like that. It is not a matter of the head but a matter of the heart. And the heart has its own beat, which may be regular and calm today, and tomorrow be pulsing wildly with pain. Grieving is a universal experience, yet it is also intensely personal, with its own rhythm which is different to each one of us.

from alice in wonderland to wizard of oz

got a call last tuesday that my visa got approved and all i needed to do was to go through a radiology exam. WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! so the next day i did just that and now i know i have between a week to two weeks for the test to arrive in melbourne then we can set THE date for my departure.

bittersweet news but im very stoked nonetheless. i was starting to get used to the bum life... wake up and see my boyfriend off to work (MWF) then spend time with my mom until its time to spend quality time with JP again after work. haha. i think if i ended up staying any longer, it would keep getting harder and harder to leave them behind (again).

but like i said, im looking forward to a new life in melbourne. it should be one hell of a ride that saigon has somehow (hopefully) prepared me for.

i am one blessed (and extremely thankful)girl.

back in manila

i havent posted much... and i know ill regret it. i like looking back and reading old posts because it gives me an "outsiders perspective" of myself. hahaha.

so today marks my 5th day back in manila and my 20th day of "unemployment"... a lot has been accomplished, and quite some more to be done.

its an unfamiliar feeling for me not to have SURE plans. im still waiting for word on my aus visa.. pending approval or otherwise, everything now is "for now". YIKES! i feel like a fish half out of water! it feels uncomfortable waiting in between like this.

oh well, basta im planning and moving based on the assumption that ill get it. ill cross the bridge of what to do if i dont get it, IF i unfortunately find myself there.

pleasant surprise for today

it so happens that ms. julie is in town and had invited joan and me for dinner. we met up with her at liza and benny caleda's lovely home here in phu my hung. it was apparent that joan and I were meant to meet them - that, in the greater scheme of things i had not crossed paths with them in my one year here but tonight i did.

what great (and inspiring) company we had! so many beautiful things shared over the equally lovely meal. stories on love, life, miracles, tips and tricks on surviving living abroad, etc. there was sooooooooooo much to get just from the stories they had and there was so much more by seeing how they live... and love.

some things i want to take note of coz i dont want to forget them when i wake up:

face adversity with a thankful heart

find entertainment in the hardest things you face

at the end of the day, we're visitors in their country

a woman needs a man who is smart and will always be able to make her laugh

ms julie, tita liza and tito benny... THANK YOU. :)

life's reminder

i have nothing profound to say. only to share that its funny how life sends you messages and reminders in places you would least expect them. sometimes its a random trigger that makes the cogs in your head just click and make sense... and sometimes its more obvious, more full-on and in-your-face...

today's reminder came from my mindless research on BAC XIU (spell check) --- my milk with coffee which im getting addicted to (CALORIES!!!). I was googling this to get my mind off some "excess concerns". 

anyway, here's what hit me in the face:

it reads: "Distance is not the end of the world in a relationship. Distance cannot and will not hurt a bond between two people that is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment and love. Although oyu may feel like you are losing faith in your relationships at times, hold fast and trust your heart! Truly believe that love and relationships are what make your life special and that the ones built on love and understanding are always worth preserving, regardless on the miles that separate two people."

mana sa ninang

thank you to sam for sending me this picture. :) check it out....

please take note of the fierceness of shoti. the dagger look... the half open mouth.... mana sa ninang... marunong magpa-picture. hahaha. 

i need air

i wont even bother with the details of what i had to go through since november. its just too stressful. but for people who have managed to catch a glimpse of me at this time, or have heard a story or two, you would know that it has been tough to say the least. its as if my personal life is on hold until work clears up. by the look of things, ill be this way well into q1 of 2009.

BUT!!! i will try to keep a positive attitude and say a part of me (albeit very small) is still thankful that i have work to stress about where thousands of people are losing their jobs all over the world.

i think right now this is really wear and tear getting to me. the holidays was supposed to be a welcomed break, but its hasn't been much of that... well, at least not the holiday i had in mind.

i have two things in mind to get me out of this state... 1.) an honest to goodness absolutely no work at all holiday where i have nothing to think of other than what time to get out of bed and 2.) getting to that part where all the troubles of this particular project are far behind me.

im crawling towards the light at the end of the tunnel!!!

christmas buzzzzzzzzz

a little more than a month left before Christmas and i feel a different kind of buzz. 

im used to the traffic, the crowded malls and the incessant Christmas songs (name almost any song, they'll have a christmas version/mix just for the holidays) in manila.. the usual lights, and decors and all the festivities.

but this year is quite different. :p right before i head home for the holidays, my life will be literally buzzing with work. ive been holding my breath in suspense on whether or not this project will fall through or not simply coz if it does it will mean i will have to fly home for a few days to attend to a major meeting. today i found out its 95% good as a "go".

i will have to admit part of me is happy that i can come home before the holidays. it will be 4 months next friday since i first flew into saigon. its a cute coincidence that i fly itno manila on the 26th and fly back to saigon on the 28th... exactly my 4th month mark of living in saigon. haha. coolness. and im equally happy i get to see jp... of course thats the best bonus of all. but the sad part is, mommy and papa are flying in on the 27th on the cebupac early am flight. i kinda feel guilty that i will not be here to pick them up from the airport and take them around on their first day. our reunion will have to wait until i fly back friday afternoon. *sigh* ill try not to worry too much about that because i have some ideas cooked up for the parents while im away. :p

so its going to be a damn busy december up until the very day i leave for home for the holidays. busy busy busy. really a different kind of christmas rush. :p

here's to surviving 27-ish days. and to a GREAT christmas break up ahead. :)