if today were my last

im taking time out from my insane schedule to write some thoughts.

i woke up at 3am this morning from a bad dream that i was going to die tomorrow (which is today, or something like that). i couldnt go back to sleep right after because i was so afraid it would come true. ive been constantly having deja vu's from snippets of dreams ive had long ago and this is one dream i would really rather not come true. thinking about it, im not too sure if its because im afraid to die or if its because its different if you know when you're going to die and its tomorrow!

on my way to work, i was thinking of what id do if i knew it was going to be my last. just thinking about it leaves this funny feeling in me. maybe that the feeling of uncertainty of not knowing for sure if ive been able to make people feel and know how i feel about them.

does my mom know im going to miss her the most if i die?
do my friends know exactly how much they mean to me? have i been able to give back to them all the immaterial things that they have given me?
will papa know in his heart that even if ive been irritable with him, im still his 'baby doll'?

this probably isnt the best time to be in this emotional state, with the heavy (understatement) workload and all, but i just wanted to get my thoughts down and maybe get back to them some other time.

9/11

first the old new and the bad news...

OLD NEWS
Sept 1... our bldg got a bomb threat which caused us to temporarily not have work for a few hours that day. well, those who didnt have lunch meetings didnt have work for a couple of hours... bede, marj and i had work. its weird though coz it seems we're the only floor who was asked to leave the building... or at least i havent heard of any other floor that evacuated as well... hmm... conspiracy?

BAD NEWS
Sept 11... our office aircon is officially dead. being on the 26th floor with no aircon is NO FUN. windows are all open, people are all in summer clothes, im forced to wear shades while working because im right beside the window and the glare is killing me, and the worst thing is... we might be this way the whole week.. or until they get a hold of the damn replacement part.

now the good/better news...

met up with some college friends last night (even if it was my sisters bday :p) and had a blast. of course it wouldnt be complete without mike's ultimate guilt trip, but the 200+ photos on our multiply sites shoulde attest to the mount of categorical fun we had. part two tonight... abangan...

low batt

its a half past 6.. and the office is empty. pretty unusual since by this time AEs would usually still be runnung around trying to get as much done. then again, today has been fairly unusual too... half empty office because everyone was out for meetings and stuff.

ive been low on work-energy the past few days.. im a tad bit more enthusiastic because of the 'new' account, but been low on physical energy. im alwalys sleepy and barely half awake once i get to the shuttle. and every morning, i feel like i havent had sleep even if i had over the 7-hour sleep i usually aim for.

got senti over the weekend. i havent felt that kind of senti in a while... yun lang.

rundown

ive been tamad to blog.. not because nothings been happening or i havent been thinking of anything, but there's just so much going on lately! so im left to reduce everything to a few lines...

INCOMMUNICADO
my phone got cut... forgot to pay for it.. so to those who texted me this last week and i 'ignored' them, i didnt.. i just couldnt reply. pero okay na. im back in circulation.

SOBRIETY
tuesday night was a blast!!! perfect timing to unwind and just release some unspent energy and frustration. haha! well... wholesome photos on my multiply site. :p

YOU ARE THE ONE
yes, i watched this toni-sam flick.. and it wasnt half as bad as i expected. of course hindi mawawala ang mga needlessly prolonged scenes.. but it was okay... as in better than some hollywood movies. plus may mga decent quotable quotes... hits the spot.

TUESDAY TEASE and FRIDAY FLIRT
the past weeks, fridays have been interesting for me. certain people seem to make their presence felt every friday... i find it funny. its a bit exciting i guess. in contrast to my otherwise 'quiet' life. thus the friday flirt was born.
tuesday tease... tuesday night was so much fun.. and well, fun... ill let the photos speak for itself. haha.

broad strokes

been quiet at work. i just sit at my desk and write.

back to attending to some important things that have been done LOOONG ago. hopefully things will start moving towards a good direction from here.

suddenly more aware of a lot of things in the office and the people here. one, things are not what they used to be. and two, they are definitely NOT what they seem on the outside.

hey pearl!

hey pearl!

i dont know if you got my sms on your birthday.. i wasnt sure which number was the landline and which one was for sms.. so i sent my greeting to both.

i hope you're doing well there.. i havent heard from you in a long time. :p i hope you get to read this.. that should tell me if you read my blog or not. haha.

ao anyway, hugs to vess and chris... hope to see you all soon... tell vess ill have the balut and the pastillas waiting for him. :p

talk to you soon!

reading and quitting

been reading again...starting with the 'tuesdays with morrie' books. am now on 'morrie in his own words'. read on my way to work so i dont end up feeling anxious in the morning. work has that effect on me these days. so to neutralize my mind, i read :) smart eh?

i wasnt able to include 'cold turkey (1 and 2)' to my list of TV shows in yesterday's post... ive been watching a lot of that too. and im trying to stay on the healthy route of stopping smoking. :p gosh... this will be a challenge..

better, best days

feeling much better now. caught a virus by surprise and most of last week was a struggle. but ive managed to 'bounce' back after staying in bed the whole weekend... :p which means i watched a lot of TV.

1. Dance Fever
I never thought Jamie King was attractive. But the more I watch the show, the more amazed I am with how much he knows about dance! I thought he was just this top hip hop choreographer, but he knows his stuff. Me and my waekness for guys who can dance... haha.

2. Queen Rania on Oprah
Caught this episode by chance and Im glad I did. Its nice to know women are continuing to make great marks in history. Her guesting was mostly to dispell misconceptions on Arabs and Royalty. Im probably part of the majority who have this mental image of Arabs and Muslims.. and mind you, she looks nothing like what I had in mind! Plus she is NOTHING like the Royalties of England. She kept saying that she realyl doesnt think of herself as a Queen... she's a woman, a mom, a wife... which is true! She monitors what her son watches on TV, she does homework with her kids, and all those normal people stuff. Except, as Oprah pointed out, she does all of this in a palace. Haha!

On a slightly more superficial note, i really loved her hair on the show... :p

3. Skating with the Stars
I find myself watching more and more reality tv shows --- ANTM, Project Runway, Dance Fever, and now Skating with the Stars. I dont know if my repressed frustrations to be a performance artist are creeping up on me or what, but these are my flavors of the month. :p

So Im glad Im on the road to getting better and better... on more levels than one. Of course I still have my anxieties, most of which are work-related. But im dealing with them well... actually kaya ko deadmahin.

sent by a friend

Touched by and Angel
by Maya Angelou

we, unaccustomed to courage exiles from delight,
live coiled in shells of lonliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight to liberate us into life

love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure ancient histories of pain
yet if we are bold, love strikes away chains of fear from our souls

we are weaned from our timidity
in the flush of love's light we dare to be brave
and suddenly we see that love costs all we are and will ever be
yet it is only love which sets us free

you are...

... my unicorn

come visit my shores again
whenever you want to be just you
i will welcome you
with tender waves and blue skies

find your way back to me
you will know which roads to take
i will send gentle winds to guide you

until your return
i will wait

the water may wash away our castle in the sand
i will never be the same again
even in your absence, you will always be here

'wag ka sana mag-sawa
baka bukas di ka na magtanong
'di naman sa itinataboy kita
'di lang talaga ako pwede sa oras na iyon
'wag kang mag-alala, kaibigan
kung ano man ang ikinakatakot mo
malamang ay kabaligtaran ng katotohanang
laman ng puso at isip ko
kaunti pa sanang pasensya
di kasi ako sanay magsalita
kaya siguro iba ako magpakita
ng unawa at pagpapahalaga

you may not know it...

but you make me feel so freaking stupid and incompetent.

growing up, growing old and other random stuff

my mom was confined overnight for check up last week. it was quite unexpected but she was feeling sluggish that morning and good she decided to go see her doctor. they decided to keep her for some tests to rule out 'silent heart attack'. anyway, my point is... it was a major reality check for me and my siblings on my mom's mortality. i think we all just figured she'd live a long life like lola. so last week's thing was a clear reminder.

its funny how in times of trouble, you really see the dynamics of our family.
1. tat, my eldest sister, has always been the calm-always-in-control sister. ever reliable.
2. my brother... well, ill have to give it to him cause at least he tries to exert himsef... will hope he keeps trying until he hits it right.
3. the twins are interesting... they always have been... cause they're so opposite. ria wasnt as openly active and involved mainly because her odd hours at work... but i knew she was involved somehow... good thing i had mom's phone with me the whole time. my hunch was correct. she may not be there physically taking charge, but she texts my mom... askinghow she is... makes her laugh... an important contribution. (and now mom is home, ria has hed wisdom teeth taken out... so she keeps her company and drives for her so she doesnt get too bored at home.. sweet... silently sweet.)
4. rina.. more complicated than i am... (haha. imagine that!). last friday, i realized she DOES care about the family... she just doesnt know how. and although she is most detached among us kids ad she's most vocal about her frustrations, its nice to know she still cares.
5. miah. always dependable, but also consistently stuck at work. we stayed overnight with my mom so she's not alone... miah is as reliable as tat... only may sablay factor si miah minsan. haha. i love my sister.

gosh. i TOTALLY forgot about papa. kasi naman, true enough he barely did anything. i sigh everytime i think of all our frustrations that involve him. and thats ll im going to say... FOR NOW.

i actually surprised myself when i ended up being sort of in-charge. it might be because of the AE training i have at work. hahaha. but im pretty happy to find out im fairly responsible comapred to my siblings. i always thought i was the spoied and tamad one in the family because im bunso. haha. growing up reveals a lot about yourself... :)

my mom naman... i think she's having retirement blues... nothing seems to please her... and everything pisses her off. which then causes her to become agitated and the rest follow.. high blood pressure, mahihilo, and masstress... again, im reminded my mom is growing old... and its really time to for me to double time to finish 'growing up'.

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im not very good at hiding my emotions or keeping them always in control. a lot of people have told me that im too emotional... im pa-girl.. im weird.. im praning.. melodramatic.. and i admit there is probably more truth to that than id want. so i try and keep my emotions in control. try not to let it get the better of me. try and re-direct my energies into more productive things. its worked most of the time, but lately i think the more i try and ignore them, the more berserk i get. i the long run, all the repression catches up and i just blow up. its good though that often it happens when im home and all the practice in keeping tabs on them helps me just sleep it off.

on the other hand, im not sure if im able to explain them well either. the times when i just really need to let it out, whenever i try to talk about them, people dont get it... and feeling ko people just dont get me. i mean, im happy there are those who accept me... quirks, emotions and all, but im not too sure they REALLY understand me. i say something in an attempt to express myself and more often than not, its taken the wrong way. maybe its because im a heart-girl surrounded by head-people... which might explain somehow why there's a jump somewhere.

hay. i dont know. last night i was thinking maybe its time to let go of this big secret ive been keeping. maybe its what is weighing me down... sinisingil nako for all this time that ive "ignored" it and refused to acknowledge it to the people involved. maybe its time to lay my cards on the table. its a big risk and ive been scared of it. but i know eventually ill have to face it someday.

such a jumpy post. haha. i guess it aptly reflects whats going on in my noggin. :p

may the right opportunities come... and may i be able to tke advantage of each a everyone of them.

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with all these 'concerns' that i carry around with me even subconsciously, no wonder im 'trippy'... i get triggered by the smallest and oddest things. oh well, these are the things i have to go through. im sure everyone else has their fair share of baggage.

hormone horror

goodness gracious. when hormones are raging, they RAGE. im not making it as an excuse for my loopiness, but i think with a little over 10 years of experience i can tell when things are defintely hormonal. oh, how they rage tonight.

i had a good day. wore my ultra bright and colorful shirt (one i bought in HK), and the new cuteness bracelet i found last night (apparently they MATCH! well, what do you know!?). was supposed to 'career' some legwork for some reports at work, but ended up spending a more leisurely afternoon with mel.

got SOME work done, which was still good... time spent well. :p

so it was a normal day. nothing out of the ordinary to trigger anything. then, BAM! when in get home, insecurities sink in. damnit. loopy loopy loopy.

starting to really hate it. why cant i just be 'normal' and infinitely less emotional like my other friends?!

let me in

i want to wake up one morning and realize that i have a nook in your life - that i have a position that no one can and ever will be able to fill in. i want to know and hear that im relevant and that i have an impact on you. i want to know that i am to you what you are to me. but thats going to be selfish and bratty of me. to want to get what i want, the way i want it.

a year ago...

ive been forgetful of some things that i confuse what happened on which year. some people have that gift. well, i was never to good in history anyways. anyway, once in a while, i trip and look at whats been posted "a year ago"... sometimes i do it on my blog, sometimes on other blogs.

so i checked my blog today.... this time last year:

1. i was in the middle of my whole ultimate jolog phase (honestly torn if that was my ultimate jolog phase or being with my ex was... hmmmm...). around this time last year, i was getting into this whole Qpids thing. sheesh. WTF was i thinking.

2. met up with mike and mic at 86 quezon... sigh... memories.

3. i was enraged and almost fed up (again) because of this heartless and soul-less person in my work-life. i was able to take on so much those days... all the crap i was put through... (makes me think why i snap more easily these days... but thats a totally different post)

4. mr & mrs smith... ah, yes... my "learning to be comfortable with yourself and appreciate alone time" phase. i was supposed to catch this movie alone but of all the luck in the world, i left my wallet at the office.

5. loopy days. these were the days when things were up and down and up and down and up and down... and all that. its funny. i wrote about vagueness -- id like to think i dont resort to vagueness as often anymore. i wrote about passion for dancing -- i still LOVE to dance... not sure if im as decent a dancer as i was, but i still love it (incidentally, i was watching dance fever on star world last night... i cried. i was so envious of all those peoplewho can just go and follow their passion because there are just so many opportunities for them there!). i wrote about feeling and not feeling -- i still ahve tose days but i keep them under tabs.

i wrote about a lot of things. my point is, some have changed a great deal, and some are same in some ways.

its nice to look back sometimes and remember what you've been through because in a way, i can (in small ways) appreciate how much 'easier' i have it now.

little rascals

time for new nephew photos!!!!





have more photos in my camera.. these are the ones from my phone pa lang. plus i dont want to be biased towards the little ones. :p its just that vins and sevi are the cutest ones right now... you know cuteness reduces with age. :p

post them tomorrow!

bolinao freedom weekend

its always nice to see new places, especially when company is great. the weeks leading up to this weekend were hellish and i was looking forward to the weekend each day.

bolinao rocks! i took over 400 photos.. anton took over 200... God knows how many photos pau took.. these should be proof of how great it was. haha.

cant find the words for it... thus this short post. haha.