when even just a little is too much

extra challenge to function properly at the office these days. its always been a challenge but these days its extra hard. its probably because my mind is just elsewhere in this universe.

i start my days hopeful because i feel better compared to the night before. but as the day progresses, i spiral downwards. and im left feeling confused and overwhelmed with all the things that are buzzing in my head (literally). and this is just work we're talking about. add the personal baggage, and it just overflows! so at the end of the day, i give my last burst of productiveness when everyone has gone home, and phones stop ringing. after which, i drag myself home looking forward to my single piece of royce chocolate, watching TV and falling asleep out of exhaustion.

right now, a few people are left here at the office, and the silence soothes my numb brain. sometimes i feel like i cant take the noise anymore. its not just the literal noise... the music, and the conversations, and all that... its the other kind of NOISE. i dont know how else to explain it. but sometimes i just want to turn it all off.

if i think about it.. and most often i do when people ask me if i have a lot of things to do... i really dont have an insane list of things to do. i mean, ive been through worse and gotten out fairly okay. but lately even with the 'manageable' load, i feel like i cant handle it... like its too much for me already. and i end up either: 1. feeling inadequate, 2. getting angry and bitchy, or 3. no caring and procrastinating.

this couldnt be healthy. i dont know if its just a phase or its "something else". i cant even think about it anymore. my brain just cant take it anymore.