i dont expect anyone to comment on this. i just really need to let some thoughts out... talking to myself doesnt seem to be as effective anymore.. maybe if i write it down i can process things better.
one of my greatest fears is to find out i have turned into a monster. to be the person i said i would never be.
so hear i am, faced with just that. during the day i pretend im all sunshine and rainbows (although thats true for most of the time now than before), at night i lash out at people. i get mad at the smallest things. and i know when im mad i say hurtful things. im a heart girl.. emotions overrule my logic. if i keep my mouth shut about my anger, i get even more angry.. i just need to let it out... let the anger out.
im itching to get away. to be able to rest a while from thinking about things. gusto ko lumayo. baka in an unfamiliar place, ill be able to find the order that will let me fix this. at least i know i was right about one thing.. ako yung problema. at least i can start fromt here.
grabe, ive never been this angry before. thing is sometimes i realize i dont know exactly what or who im angry at. maybe im mad at myself. or i just got used to being 'mad'... and now im not sure if im mad or not talaga... ah ewan. this calls for a long vacation. kaso my dilema is that pagod na ako pag-isipan but there is need to think about it to be able to address it.
1. learn to forgive.... and forget. i want to write down all the things that bother and hurt me.. maybe this way pwede ko nang isa-isahing i-process at isa-isa ring itapon. this is going to be one long list. im undecided yet if im going to share this list with anyone or not.. right now i feel that being myself tends to repel people than keep them close.. maybe i need to keep a healthy level or pretention... which i think everyone does naman...
2. be more in control of emotions. this seems to be a deeper issue than others will see... thinking about it, this might have a lot to do with my childhood... i guess im really the only one who can help myself. i dont think this is somethign one fixes overnight.. i may take the rest of my life for this but i give myself credit for admitting it.
3. leave negativity. or al least overcome it. come to think of it, ainee was right in saying its easier to be sad.. or inthis case,. easier to be negative... this is going to be hard as well seeing im so used to being so angry its almost become instinctive.
maybe i can go on a retreat or something. but i hope i will not be alone in this.. seeing i have to overcome myself, i will need someone to guide me through it. someone i dont know and someone who does not know anyone involved in this. i need someone who can listen to me. someone na i can pour out all my anger to... para lang masabi ko na at mailabas ko. ive kept things inside and it grew to this... so now, all that coems out is anger.
they think i dont pray... they keep reminding me to pray. but i do... i pray a lot. they dont know that when im really angry i pray so i wont be as angry anymore. they dont know that it may seem as though i blame them and the world, i pray because i end up blaming myself.
gusto ko na matapos to. i feel like im self destructing (if there's such a thing)... and people around me have heard enough of it. so im left to 'talk to myself'... i just need to be heard and bounce of this anger... face the mirror girl.
3 comments:
i'm smart so i highlighted it. it turned blue!
anyway, somehow, i can't imagine you being mad as you say you are because you are sunshine and rainbows to everyone else, most of the time.
the hard thing is that you don't know what you're mad at? or are there just too many things that you can't pinpoint anymore? i can't even begin to imagine how that must feel - my anger kasi usually has some point of focus. that's hard na in itself, so whatever ur going through - that's harder pa.
i wish you luck. i know you'll find answers. maybe a retreat will be nice - they force you to face issues you don't know exist. but whatever will work for you.
you just gotta remember, that no matter how negative you think you are - to some people (or a lot of people)- you are rainbows and sunshine just the way you are. :)
(even if you don't see it that way)
PAULO: im sorry.. this really wasnt one to be read.. hehe. it should have come with a warning. pero nabitin ako sa 'pero..' mo. pero what?
KAYE: thanks kaye... means a lot hearing that. i really think im a walking bad vibes generator... at least i can still keep up appearances here sa office. i really dont want work to be affected... affected na nga as it is. on hte other hand, i shouldnt make work my escape too.. noh? ay nako...
luv u so much take care!
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